I received a great question from a blog reader:

How do you and other spankos feel about the whole notion of being required to address their disciplinarians as “Sir” or “Ma’am” during and immediately after a spanking? It’s very common on some sites like the Real Spankings suite of sites, less so on others, including Punished Brats. I can only recall seeing you address a disciplinarian as “Sir” during a spanking once, and it seemed a more spontaneous response than a required one.

I’m not opposed to addressing a disciplinarian by Sir or Ma’am though I do sometimes struggle with the term if I don’t have a natural connection to the spanker and don’t feel truly submissive to them. Then it is as difficult for me to say Sir as it is for me to take the physical portion of the punishment. Thankfully, this is rare. On the flip side, when I do have that connection, it only adds to a hot scene if I can say Sir or Ma’am to show my respect when feeling truly penitent.

I know of some bottoms that will only say Sir or Ma’am to the disciplinarian in their real lives and out of respect to that relationship, will not address anyone else by that title even in scripted scenes. And some I have chatted to have expressed very strong feelings that they will not address anyone as Sir ever within the context of spanking play.

We don’t require the use of Sir or Ma’am in every scene at Punished Brats. I do recall using the terms more than once though and I know when our writer/director Eric was still with us, he’d quite frequently have line suggestions with the terms. We definitely don’t use the terms as often as Real Spankings, but then our scenes tend to feature more bratting and backtalk prompting discipline rather than utmost respect at all times.

For bottoms out there, how do you feel about addressing a spanker as Sir or Ma’am?  For tops, do you often ask a spankee to address you as such?  And for those that enjoy watching spanking videos, do prefer when the terms are used or is it not a required hot button for you?

Here are two questions I received for the Dear Amber column.  I have two others that I might make into individual posts or include in the next DA.  If you have a question you’d like me to ramble on about, please email me!   I’m always looking for questions and topics that interest you.

I have been interested in spanking all of my life, but have only considered myself a spanker and at one time really disliked the idea of my being on the receiving end. However, recently I have been going through some difficult times with motivating myself and have come to desire being spanked myself. I have a bit of an issue though because my wife is very submissive and is my spankee. Can you think of any ways that I can bring up switching roles with her? Also, my mindset seems to be changing and I worry about becoming “too” submissive. Did you have any mental difficulty feeling comfortable with being a switch?

If your wife has always been very submissive and has not shown any signs of interest in switching over the years, I’d definitely approach this matter cautiously. I wouldn’t even teasingly start suggesting she take you over her knee at this point. She may react strongly. I’d see if you can casually ask her how she feels about switching (maybe start off asking if she’d ever consider giving even a few swats to someone) by starting a conversation about your shared love of spanking and working a question or two in there. Maybe talk about a topic you saw on a forum, particularly if it can easily lead to a discussion on switching or experimenting with role reversal. Take her lead. If she is absolutely dead set against topping and can never envision herself in that role, you can’t force her and expect a rewarding experience for you both. You can only plant the seed and see where it goes.

I definitely had difficulty feeling comfortable at first. As I mentioned in my interview with Someone’s Going To Get It, I would feel a bit annoyed when I was told repeatedly to top when I only felt submissive. I didn’t want to be forced into something that I not only didn’t enjoy, but didn’t feel confident in doing. I believe having that sense of confidence is key as the spanker is the one to lead the dance essentially. I needed to wait until assuming the role of a switch appealed and selected a role for myself that I was comfortable with. I started with a revenge switch spanking with Lily Anna which made it an easier step as we were equals having the opportunity to spank one another rather than me feeling the pressure of being the only spanker when I’d only ever been a submissive. I needed to come around in my own time and then take incremental steps until I felt ready to assume the role of a top. I think the role of submissive still comes more naturally to me, but I am enjoying exploring the world of switching.

When you do private sessions do you prefer natural interaction between you and your spankee or do you prefer certain role play scenarios?

I generally prefer role plays because it gives me a reason to spank, gives me an idea of what to say, and I think the build up dialogue and interaction to the actual spanking can be one of the most exhilarating parts. It often adds to the fun as we each come up with creative verbal responses. I’d say the vast majority request role plays, but even when it’s a tried and true classic scenario (boss/employee, teacher/student), no two have ever been the same.

That said, some people prefer to be spanked just for the sake of being spanked without any scenario. That’s ok too! Those sessions tend to involve more talking about the experience, testing out implements or positions, and more opportunities to check in for relative comfort and take breaks as needed.

I think the toughest sessions are a combination of the two. No set scenario or reason given for punishment, but still a disciplinary tone. I’ll need to evoke an upset tone and enforce discipline, but I don’t know why so it makes it tough to lecture or even know what an appropriate level of punishment is. That’s super rare though.

Although I prefer role plays, I will always go with the preference of the spankee though and do my best to meet his needs.

And want to know what my advice is for how to kill a zombie or why Bubblicious is better than Bubble Yum?  Then check out the super fun interview I did with Dave of Cherry Red Report.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! 

I recently did an interview for the blog, Someone’s Going To Get It, and they have published it today.  Lots of good questions about my interest in spanking from both the bottom and top perspective.  I hope you’ll take a look and enjoy!

Pixie Interview

There were a few comments on the last post that suggested that if a bottom needs to call a safeword during play, it’s an indication of a failure on the part of the top.  Speaking as one that had a reputation of being a pretty hard playing bottom, I can say that calling a safeword can feel like an indication of failure on the the part of the top – a sort of not living up to expectations.  I wish this wasn’t the perception as I don’t think a safeword is any indication of failure but merely feedback. 

We are not psychics and spanking is not an exact science so it can be hard to have a perfect play experience every time.  You need to have a way of communicating when a spanking is outside of the relative comfort or safety zone.  Even if you have played with a person before, sometimes for any number of reasons (hormones, health status, caffeine intake, pain in other places in the body, lack of sleep, etc) a bottom may not have the pain tolerance they normally do.  A top may be playing a little harder than usual without realizing it or be testing out a new toy.  The bottom should feel free to use the safeword as needed and not be ashamed and the top should not feel offended if it’s called.

There is one exception to this feedback not failure outlook of mine and that’s when a top starts out a spanking by stating that it’s his or her goal to makethe bottom safeword.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Sorry, but I think that’s a pretty crummy goal and is along the lines of saying “I’m going to break you mentally and intentionally harm you”.  That to me is the one time the top is failing in my book before even starting play. 

But then how could spanking play that results in an unintended safeword not be a failure?  It would be great if somehow it could be communicated within the context of play that a short break or lighter touch is needed to continue, but not everyone wants to set up such an elaborate set of codewords and in some cases, it would detract from the feeling of true punishment.  The safeword is therefore selected as the single way to alert the top of a need for immediate stop.  The bottom may choose to only call it if they feel they are in danger or beyond what they can take even within the context of discipline. 

As a top, I’d rather someone felt comfortable enough to use their safeword and let me know what their particular tolerances are rather than cause either physical harm or causing them to have such an unpleasant experience that they’d never wish to play with me again.  As a bottom, I’d want to know that the top’s goal is NOT to try to make me safeword, but that if I need to call a halt to play in order to say I’m not able to take the intensity, have a weak spot of skin that keeps getting hit, or that I am not ok with getting spanked on the thighs or too close to the tailbone, that I’m welcome to.  Ifeel safer having that sort of arrangement established and am actually less likely to safeword as I know that my physical well-being is of concern.

So those were my little thoughts inspired by the previous post’s comments.  What is your take on the feedback vs failure concept?

Received a great question the other day:

“If a bottom’s ego won’t allow them to use the safe word does the top have the responsibility to call a halt to the session?”

This does occur but not always because of the bottom’s ego.  Sure, that’s one possibility, but sometimes it’s that the bottom fears disappointing the top or is enjoying the scenario so much they don’t want to call a halt.  Also on occasion the bottom will either be in such a deep headspace that they are not fully aware of their physical well-being or perhaps more worrisome, they may be in such a state of distress they cannot say or remember their safeword.

I firmly believe in establishing a safeword, but I don’t think a top can always rely on the bottom to use it.  There is shared responsibility and the top needs to monitor for safety, stop to question if there is some concern, and make a judgment call as to whether or not to continue.  At least that’s how I practice because I do not wish to cause someone unintended harm.

The emailer also suggested that in order to protect the bottom’s ego, perhaps the top should make an excuse for a stop in play such as claiming a tired arm.  Hmmm.  Perhaps that can be used as a reason to pause, but I tend to be honest and will express any safety concerns.  If it’s not so much a safety issue but more of a tolerance one, then maybe work in a break that flows the scenario – a pause to lecture for example.

What are your preferences or experiences from either the top or bottom perspective?

I received a couple of interesting emails recently.  One was asking spanking purists and the other was a request for a sement of additional non-spanking punishments to be added to the Punished Brats website. 

Let’s first address the term “spanking purist”.  Some claim the title proudly acknowledging that their interest in the fetish world is restricted to that of spanking and spanking only.  No back whipping, no bondage, no tickling, no bare foot worship, nothing but spanking.  Others use the term with the intent of a slight dig that those with a spanking-and-spanking-only outlook are perhaps a bit snobbish or close-minded when it comes to other seemingly related interests. 

But how do you truly define a spanking purist?  Is it one that only enjoys OTK hand spankings?  Some have told me that is the proper and ONLY way to deliver a spanking.  What if a paddle is used?  That could be termed paddling and therefore not a simple spanking (especially if said paddle is one of those large frat style boards to be delivered to the recipient in a bent over position).  Is one booted out of the purity camp if they consider implements or other positions to be acceptable play?  Is a strap on the bottom still spanking pure and a cat o’nine tails on the back something else entirely?

And what about those non-spanking punishments that are more domestic or traditional in nature that are often seen coupled with spankings like corner time, writing lines, mouth soaping, enforced early bed time?  Those things are not spanking so do they cross the line as well? 

It was those sorts of additional punishments that were requested as a separate section on the website; I assume with full clip segments of the girl in the corner or writing lines.  A very high percentage of the clips currently filmed end with the closing shot of the girl in the corner, but not a full five, ten minute, or hour long clip.  Do many spanking enthusiasts enjoy seeing these other punishments in full length?  Could a spanking purist enjoy such a thing (my guess is no) or would even the closing shot of a girl writing lines or getting a mouth soaping ruin the thrill?

Tell me, how do you define a spanking purist?  Would you consider yourself one?  Can other related punishments be appealing as long as spanking is still the primary focus?

Blogging had to take a backseat for a little bit as I tended to vanilla matters, but I’m back again.   

I recently saw a commercial for an online dating service where the guy claims the 9 gazillion point personality questionnaire used by the service makes them superior to other means of meeting a partner.  He says if he met someone through a soccer website, it would have to be the World Cup all year long for them in order for them to have any connection and keep the relationship alive.  Hmmmm.

I understand the company is trying to market themselves and highlight what makes them unique, but I find the paid actor’s logic a bit flawed.  I’ve been fortunate enough to meet many, many fellow spanking enthusiasts through parties, shoots, and of course, online.  We start out knowing we only share this one common interest – spanking.  Over time we learn if our viewpoints and roles in spanking play are compatible.  And since we humans are not one-dimensional, sometimes we hit it off on other levels as well because we have other shared interests and passions.  Just because we meet through the world of spanking doesn’t mean it has to be Spank Fest all the time … or does it?

Do you enjoy or even seek to meet spankos that share other common interests or do you prefer to keep things a bit more separate in your life?  Vanilla friends for vanilla interests and spanking friends for Spank Fest only?

 
Cautiously mixing that chocolate and vanilla goodness

I take caution in mixing my vanilla and spanking worlds since I am not open about my interest to absolutely everyone I know, but I love when a spanking acquaintance blossoms into a well-rounded friendship.  It gives us more to talk about and it can even enhance the spanking dynamics.  How about you?

Richard Windsor encouraged me to take a look at some of the keywords that people use in search engines to find my blog.  I have now spent way too much time being amused by some of the unusual phrases such as “a real bear from the woods spanking another bear”, “clare fonda hamster”, and “I want a pixie in my panties”. 

But one phrase caught my eye as a truly wonderful idea – “Bedtime spanking breakfast in bed”.  Add this one to my fantasy list.  I envision being gently awakened as the covers are tugged away and then given a warm, playful good morning spanking first over the seat of my pajamas and then on the bare.  Then my charming spanker and I would cozy up back in bed together and enjoy a delightful breakfast in bed consisting of eggs, bacon, toast, milk, and fresh fruit.

Perhaps the person who entered that phrase though had something much less fun and punishment oriented in mind – a painful spanking delivered at bedtime and then made to get up the next morning to serve the spanker his breakfast in bed before heading to the corner or some dreadful thing. 

Nope, my fantasy is way better.  Don’t you agree?  A little over the knee and eggs over easy to start your day off right?

As of January 15th, Punished Brats will be putting new membership rates into effect.

30 days recurring – $17
30 days non-recurring – $22
90 days non-recurring – $50

BUT if you sign up today through January 14th as a recurring member, you will be locked in for the lifetime of your membership at the discounted rate of only $15!

Thousands of spanking clips and more added every week all for just $15. Join now!

Click to join Punished Brats

I received an email from a reader asking about the fear of spanking marks being accidentally discovered. 

Receiving a spanking can be an experience unlike any other when, if done right, the subspace and lingering feelings can be very heady indeed. But in order to get there, some force and subsequent bruising and discoloration are needed. Hence the event is not concluded at the end of the spanking, but the marks and bruises can carry on for days. Are any of your readers concerned about being ‘outed’ by a boyfriend or girlfriend? a trip to the doctor’s for an unrelated issue? in a gym locker room? or any other accidental viewing by another party? It sometimes seems that you almost have to plan out the few days and hope nothing unusual happens. Perhaps I’m paranoid moving from the spanker to spankee part, but since this is one fetish that is REALLY not socially accepted and can have personal and economic implications, the cautions needed seem to diminish the ‘letting go’ part of the experience. What do you think?

 Ok, so lots to think about here.  Are marks and bruises an absolute?  I think a healthy red glow is, but bruising isn’t necessarily something everyone wants or in the case of seasoned players, not something that can be easily achieved.  But there is still a chance of marks occurring even when making a concerted effort to avoid them.  And in knowing this, there is a chance that you’ll be playing with fire if you unexpectedly have to show your punished bottom to someone other than your spanker.

I think the fear of being outed by a boyfriend or girlfriend is the trickiest scenario as it is an intimate relationship.  Maybe the partner is not aware of the interest or not approving of spanking.  If spanking secrecy is a factor then yes, I’d say careful planning is required in this case.  Otherwise you may need to avoid intimate moments which could quickly lead to relationship strain.

With the doctor, well certainly schedule that appointment accordingly if the doctor might see your bottom.  The doctor is going to be concerned to see unusual bruising and want an explanation.  Of course not all medical attention is scheduled in advance and so if there is an urgent matter requiring a visit to the doctor or hospital, then take a deep breath and go even with those marked buns.  The good doctor has probably seen stranger things.

In the locker room, put on your undies in the shower stall, point your bottom towards the lockers, or simply stare down any of those cheeky bum-lookers trying to get a peek at your derriere.   

Accidental viewing by another party?  More cheeky bum-lookers!  Either they are everywhere or you are flashing your pretty bare bottom all over town.  Cut it out. 

Bottom line (ha!) is you do have to take the end state of your bottom into account if you are concerned about people seeing it and don’t wish to have to explain your love of spanking.  If you want to go all out and experience an intense spanking to the fullest, you may need to do some planning ahead of time.  Pick your play time carefully, schedule that physical for another time, and stock up on fluffy pillows if you plan to sit in the near future.

What are your thoughts?