We are not psychics and spanking is not an exact science so it can be hard to have a perfect play experience every time.  You need to have a way of communicating when a spanking is outside of the relative comfort or safety zone.  Even if you have played with a person before, sometimes for any number of reasons (hormones, health status, caffeine intake, pain in other places in the body, lack of sleep, etc) a bottom may not have the pain tolerance they normally do.  A top may be playing a little harder than usual without realizing it or be testing out a new toy.  The bottom should feel free to use the safeword as needed and not be ashamed and the top should not feel offended if it’s called.

There is one exception to this feedback not failure outlook of mine and that’s when a top starts out a spanking by stating that it’s his or her goal to makethe bottom safeword.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Sorry, but I think that’s a pretty crummy goal and is along the lines of saying “I’m going to break you mentally and intentionally harm you”.  That to me is the one time the top is failing in my book before even starting play. 

But then how could spanking play that results in an unintended safeword not be a failure?  It would be great if somehow it could be communicated within the context of play that a short break or lighter touch is needed to continue, but not everyone wants to set up such an elaborate set of codewords and in some cases, it would detract from the feeling of true punishment.  The safeword is therefore selected as the single way to alert the top of a need for immediate stop.  The bottom may choose to only call it if they feel they are in danger or beyond what they can take even within the context of discipline. 

As a top, I’d rather someone felt comfortable enough to use their safeword and let me know what their particular tolerances are rather than cause either physical harm or causing them to have such an unpleasant experience that they’d never wish to play with me again.  As a bottom, I’d want to know that the top’s goal is NOT to try to make me safeword, but that if I need to call a halt to play in order to say I’m not able to take the intensity, have a weak spot of skin that keeps getting hit, or that I am not ok with getting spanked on the thighs or too close to the tailbone, that I’m welcome to.  Ifeel safer having that sort of arrangement established and am actually less likely to safeword as I know that my physical well-being is of concern.

So those were my little thoughts inspired by the previous post’s comments.  What is your take on the feedback vs failure concept?

“If a bottom’s ego won’t allow them to use the safe word does the top have the responsibility to call a halt to the session?”

This does occur but not always because of the bottom’s ego.  Sure, that’s one possibility, but sometimes it’s that the bottom fears disappointing the top or is enjoying the scenario so much they don’t want to call a halt.  Also on occasion the bottom will either be in such a deep headspace that they are not fully aware of their physical well-being or perhaps more worrisome, they may be in such a state of distress they cannot say or remember their safeword.

I firmly believe in establishing a safeword, but I don’t think a top can always rely on the bottom to use it.  There is shared responsibility and the top needs to monitor for safety, stop to question if there is some concern, and make a judgment call as to whether or not to continue.  At least that’s how I practice because I do not wish to cause someone unintended harm.

The emailer also suggested that in order to protect the bottom’s ego, perhaps the top should make an excuse for a stop in play such as claiming a tired arm.  Hmmm.  Perhaps that can be used as a reason to pause, but I tend to be honest and will express any safety concerns.  If it’s not so much a safety issue but more of a tolerance one, then maybe work in a break that flows the scenario – a pause to lecture for example.

What are your preferences or experiences from either the top or bottom perspective?

Let’s first address the term “spanking purist”.  Some claim the title proudly acknowledging that their interest in the fetish world is restricted to that of spanking and spanking only.  No back whipping, no bondage, no tickling, no bare foot worship, nothing but spanking.  Others use the term with the intent of a slight dig that those with a spanking-and-spanking-only outlook are perhaps a bit snobbish or close-minded when it comes to other seemingly related interests. 

But how do you truly define a spanking purist?  Is it one that only enjoys OTK hand spankings?  Some have told me that is the proper and ONLY way to deliver a spanking.  What if a paddle is used?  That could be termed paddling and therefore not a simple spanking (especially if said paddle is one of those large frat style boards to be delivered to the recipient in a bent over position).  Is one booted out of the purity camp if they consider implements or other positions to be acceptable play?  Is a strap on the bottom still spanking pure and a cat o’nine tails on the back something else entirely?

And what about those non-spanking punishments that are more domestic or traditional in nature that are often seen coupled with spankings like corner time, writing lines, mouth soaping, enforced early bed time?  Those things are not spanking so do they cross the line as well? 

It was those sorts of additional punishments that were requested as a separate section on the website; I assume with full clip segments of the girl in the corner or writing lines.  A very high percentage of the clips currently filmed end with the closing shot of the girl in the corner, but not a full five, ten minute, or hour long clip.  Do many spanking enthusiasts enjoy seeing these other punishments in full length?  Could a spanking purist enjoy such a thing (my guess is no) or would even the closing shot of a girl writing lines or getting a mouth soaping ruin the thrill?

Tell me, how do you define a spanking purist?  Would you consider yourself one?  Can other related punishments be appealing as long as spanking is still the primary focus?

I recently saw a commercial for an online dating service where the guy claims the 9 gazillion point personality questionnaire used by the service makes them superior to other means of meeting a partner.  He says if he met someone through a soccer website, it would have to be the World Cup all year long for them in order for them to have any connection and keep the relationship alive.  Hmmmm.

I understand the company is trying to market themselves and highlight what makes them unique, but I find the paid actor’s logic a bit flawed.  I’ve been fortunate enough to meet many, many fellow spanking enthusiasts through parties, shoots, and of course, online.  We start out knowing we only share this one common interest – spanking.  Over time we learn if our viewpoints and roles in spanking play are compatible.  And since we humans are not one-dimensional, sometimes we hit it off on other levels as well because we have other shared interests and passions.  Just because we meet through the world of spanking doesn’t mean it has to be Spank Fest all the time … or does it?

Do you enjoy or even seek to meet spankos that share other common interests or do you prefer to keep things a bit more separate in your life?  Vanilla friends for vanilla interests and spanking friends for Spank Fest only?

 
Cautiously mixing that chocolate and vanilla goodness

I take caution in mixing my vanilla and spanking worlds since I am not open about my interest to absolutely everyone I know, but I love when a spanking acquaintance blossoms into a well-rounded friendship.  It gives us more to talk about and it can even enhance the spanking dynamics.  How about you?

But one phrase caught my eye as a truly wonderful idea – “Bedtime spanking breakfast in bed”.  Add this one to my fantasy list.  I envision being gently awakened as the covers are tugged away and then given a warm, playful good morning spanking first over the seat of my pajamas and then on the bare.  Then my charming spanker and I would cozy up back in bed together and enjoy a delightful breakfast in bed consisting of eggs, bacon, toast, milk, and fresh fruit.

Perhaps the person who entered that phrase though had something much less fun and punishment oriented in mind – a painful spanking delivered at bedtime and then made to get up the next morning to serve the spanker his breakfast in bed before heading to the corner or some dreadful thing. 

Nope, my fantasy is way better.  Don’t you agree?  A little over the knee and eggs over easy to start your day off right?

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Receiving a spanking can be an experience unlike any other when, if done right, the subspace and lingering feelings can be very heady indeed. But in order to get there, some force and subsequent bruising and discoloration are needed. Hence the event is not concluded at the end of the spanking, but the marks and bruises can carry on for days. Are any of your readers concerned about being ‘outed’ by a boyfriend or girlfriend? a trip to the doctor’s for an unrelated issue? in a gym locker room? or any other accidental viewing by another party? It sometimes seems that you almost have to plan out the few days and hope nothing unusual happens. Perhaps I’m paranoid moving from the spanker to spankee part, but since this is one fetish that is REALLY not socially accepted and can have personal and economic implications, the cautions needed seem to diminish the ‘letting go’ part of the experience. What do you think?

 Ok, so lots to think about here.  Are marks and bruises an absolute?  I think a healthy red glow is, but bruising isn’t necessarily something everyone wants or in the case of seasoned players, not something that can be easily achieved.  But there is still a chance of marks occurring even when making a concerted effort to avoid them.  And in knowing this, there is a chance that you’ll be playing with fire if you unexpectedly have to show your punished bottom to someone other than your spanker.

I think the fear of being outed by a boyfriend or girlfriend is the trickiest scenario as it is an intimate relationship.  Maybe the partner is not aware of the interest or not approving of spanking.  If spanking secrecy is a factor then yes, I’d say careful planning is required in this case.  Otherwise you may need to avoid intimate moments which could quickly lead to relationship strain.

With the doctor, well certainly schedule that appointment accordingly if the doctor might see your bottom.  The doctor is going to be concerned to see unusual bruising and want an explanation.  Of course not all medical attention is scheduled in advance and so if there is an urgent matter requiring a visit to the doctor or hospital, then take a deep breath and go even with those marked buns.  The good doctor has probably seen stranger things.

In the locker room, put on your undies in the shower stall, point your bottom towards the lockers, or simply stare down any of those cheeky bum-lookers trying to get a peek at your derriere.   

Accidental viewing by another party?  More cheeky bum-lookers!  Either they are everywhere or you are flashing your pretty bare bottom all over town.  Cut it out. 

Bottom line (ha!) is you do have to take the end state of your bottom into account if you are concerned about people seeing it and don’t wish to have to explain your love of spanking.  If you want to go all out and experience an intense spanking to the fullest, you may need to do some planning ahead of time.  Pick your play time carefully, schedule that physical for another time, and stock up on fluffy pillows if you plan to sit in the near future.

What are your thoughts?

It was only in one scene, but I’m actually really sore today.  Beverly has a solid spanking arm and my poor bottom hasn’t done an on camera scene since March. 

Most of the day I was helping film Joelle’s scenes and leaping around taking photos which I really enjoy.

Beverly sits back and tries to cool down as Joelle kneels in the corner cooling off her bare bottom! 

So I get it, but I’m not necessarily a fan of the crossover in action.  It can be done well, particularly if the spanker is truly ambidextrous, but often it’s not.  Trying to spank from the opposite angle increases the risk of a smack landing too high and hitting the tailbone or even the lower back.  This is especially awful if the spanker is wielding a hairbrush or other implement or he is trying to make up for inherent weaknesses of the underused arm by coming crashing down from maximum height.  Even when done well, I find it less pleasing as it’s not the sensible, traditional method and I suppose I’m just a stickler for doing it the ol’ fashioned way. 

So why would I even be tempted to engage in the crossover myself then?  Hypocrisy much?  Well, for the simple reason I stated above – sometimes the arm gives out before the bottom does.  So what’s best in that situation?  Is it better to keep playing with a crossover fill in move or to call a temporary pause in play to recharge?  If up to me entirely, I would opt to pause and move to another position entirely such as a bent over stance as not only will it afford a few moments of recovery, but when play resumes, it’s a different swing using different muscles.  That is not always feasible though as sometimes OTK is either the most appropriate or requested and play must carry on in this manner. 

What are your thoughts on the crossover.  If you are a bottom, do you mind it?  If you are a top, do you engage in this practice?  And when you watch videos or look at pictures, do you mind if the moved is used occasionally?