I hate saying no. I always have felt that way because I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser. Sometimes though, I just have to. Asked to do something on a Saturday when I have already made a prior commitment? Have to decline (enter guilt). Offered a giant helping of Aunt Trudy’s green bean casserole? No thank you! No, no really. I’m good, thanks (feel guilty but it’s a matter of self-preservation). I’m sure you’ve been in similar situations.
But what about if you’re asked to play with a fellow spanko and don’t wish to do so? It’s a fairly common party issue but it could be an online request or an in person inquiry. Is it a bit tougher for you to decline knowing that the person is dipping a toe in the world of spanking and has perhaps had to gather a lot of courage to ask?
Do you simply say no thank you? Maybe promise some other time? Or do you agree even if you rather not? I find it tricky, but does it have to be? Sure, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but it’s probably not fair to keep saying “maybe later” either. And while saying yes can sometimes be fortuitous and lead to an unexpected good time that would have otherwise been missed, it can also lead to trouble when a bad vibe proves true.
How do you or would you handle a spanking situation where you wanted to say no? Have you ever been in such a position? And if the shoe was on the other foot, how what response would be preferred?
February 4th, 2013 - 11:18 pm
Pixie,
This thread reminds me of a video posted on spankingtube in which you stated that you felt you needed to be punished because you can’t say no and that it sometimes gets you into trouble. I realize that this post of yours here and the spankingtube video aren’t necessarily related in real time, but maybe they relate in some ambiguous way. Your inquiry is a bit of a quandary. Let’s see what the other members decide. Also, I share your dread of anybody’s aunt’s green bean casserole.
February 4th, 2013 - 11:21 pm
Hi, Pixie,
I hope you are feeling well and are being a good girl.
The bottom always has the right to say no, especially if a bad vibe is felt. Better to miss an opportunity than to be mistreated or have a scene go wrong. Women have to be extra careful in this regard. A party environment offers some protection, but meeting someone for the first time in private is risky, and remains so until the spanker is better known and trusted. Communication is everything.
I know what it’s like to be a people pleaser; I have the issue myself. Because I don’t attend spanking parties and I don’t spank around, being rejected won’t be an issue.
But if I were to put myself in your place, Pixie, I can fully appreciate the difficulty of saying no. There is always the potential for hurt feelings and disappointment, but such feelings are a part of life, and I’m sure you have developed a very kind and respectful way of letting others down gently.
February 4th, 2013 - 11:50 pm
Hi, Pixie,
Let me also add that if I were ever the one who had to say no I might reply, “Not right now, but maybe latter” if I felt compatible with the spanker and wished to experience a scene with him or her sometime in the future. Simpler is always better. However, if it were someone who I didn’t feel comfortable with and the passage of time would do little to change my feelings, I would be honest and direct but soften my delivery with a sensitive tone of voice by saying, “Thank you, but no,” and then turn my glance away. It’s best not to give false hope. Even the sexiest people alive get rejected, experience disappointment, and suffer setbacks. In the final analysis, we simply have no control over the reactions of others.
February 5th, 2013 - 2:10 am
Hi Pixie -
For someone who has yet to attend a spanking party (but plan to at some point) my opinion may be skewed, but overall I agree with what Annapurna said. I also appreciate the straight-fowardness as opposed to the “leading on” of “perhaps later. Just between us, we guys can be dense sometimes and a ‘perhaps later’ is only going to get our hopes up.
If I asked a girl to play I would expect her to be honest and say no if she didn’t feel comfortable – that is her right. Sure I don’t like being rejected (who does?), but ultimately that is better for ALL involved.
The only thing I expect and hold strong on is that the girl be polite. A pleasant “No thank you, but thanks for asking.” would be greatly appreciated by me or any Top.
February 5th, 2013 - 5:05 am
First of all, green bean casserole? BLECH!!! I’d as soon eat soap!
I tried saying no as a kid and it never worked out for me.
How does one “let someone down easy”, in general? Just not returning calls or general avoidance is cowardly, a cop-out and disrespectful. So is throwing dog poop on their shoes. If there is a good way, I’d like to know about it.
February 5th, 2013 - 11:15 am
Pixie: As a guy looking for spanking fun at a party I would think of how the lady feels before even asking. How about starting with something akin to: “These parties can be demanding on you ladies so I’ll certainly understand if you decline but I would love to share a spanking experience with you.”
Maybe if the guys take the ladies’ feelings into account first and foremost those ladies won’t feel badly about declining.
Mark
February 5th, 2013 - 2:45 pm
Does the person asking think they have some special right to your interest and attention? I have no experience with spanking parties, but in any case, you have to think of yourself first. Trying to put myself in your shoes, there must be more demand on your time, energy, etc. than for the typical person, but no matter who you are, you should never have to get involved with someone unless you want to. You can’t want to play with everyone. You’re very sensitive to other people’s feelings, and I wouldn’t change such a good trait, but I think honesty is the best policy. I’m sure you’re polite in declining.
February 5th, 2013 - 5:40 pm
I’d be happy with a “maybe later” if it’s sincere. I might also appreciate a insincere “maybe later” if it’s a situation where a refusal might be embarrassing, but usually I would prefer a postponement only if the later opportunity is at least somewhat likely to happen. If for some reason, the spankee finds me unpalatable, I would prefer a “no thanks” rather than a suggestions of later. And with sufficient privacy, I would probably like to hear the reason if there is one.
“No, I’m sorry Aunt Judy. Nothing against YOUR green beans. I just hate them in general”.
And knowing if the situation might change would also be useful to know.
“No, I’m sorry, my bottom is almost worn out and I have already promised to play with someone.” Or
“I watched your technique and I’m concerned that you like to play beyond my limits” Or even
“Sure, after you go gargle with some mouthwash. {grin}
(Blue)Mark
February 5th, 2013 - 9:37 pm
I attended my 1st party last year and accepted every play offer mostly because the askers were all very polite and hygienic.
For private sessions I prefer other women to top me. But in the party scene I was more open minded mostly because I wanted to take in as much as possible since future parties are unlikely for me unless I win the lottery.
There was one instance where a really great guy who already spanked me asked for a repeat and I did ask him to postpone because I was about to get a long awaited spanking from someone who I had been in contact several months prior to the party.
I was lucky in my experiences. But if I ever got into a situation where I found the other person repulsive, overbearing, etc, I would have ZERO qualms telling that person to find someone else.
And the most believable delay/postponement I would issue is that my ass is currently too sore to take more spankings and that when it feels less sore, I’ll be happy to let (person of choice) know.
February 5th, 2013 - 10:26 pm
Well, Your the first that I’ve read that actually has ask the question. Many have a stance they take (not bad to do this), and they share their view. But few have asked the question.
I have had a few experiences that put me in not great situations. Often because the person I had rapport with did not describe the situation correctly.
For instance. I received a call when I was at work from a sub that I was teaching/schooling ect. She claimed she had been involved with a rope expert and invited me to watch and then enjoy our training after they were done.
When I arrived, the rope expert was not nearly done and had expected me to submit to allow them to work on me as well. Not my normal style. But I cared a lot about the sub and didn’t want to put her in a situation that would work against her.
So, After the session they took with me, they finally left and I was able to have the sub untie me and then I explained how important it was to explain, the reason she wanted my presence. Not for me to be tied but because she didn’t feel the safety and respect from those she had gotten involved with.
That’s just a good example of building up everyone in any role to have a level that allows them to assert themselves when their “red light” goes off.
Sub or not, when warning signs and alarms ring in their head. Listen to them.
Blessings on all.
February 6th, 2013 - 8:25 am
I’ve spanked play before, with selected partners, but haven’t went a spank party yet. Have been asked for play, and declined, or accepted.
No one should ever feel uncomfortable saying “no”, to any request to play, even if it seems “innocent” and “unimportant”…please may I tickle your toes, etc.
I understand feeling empathic though, and wanting to please when someone asks what may seem like a “small request”, but you alone own your body, and get to decide what it does at any given moment. If someone can’t accept, “No thank you,” or “maybe later” without feeling extremely slighted, they aren’t worth playing with anyway.
Asserting yourself and being your own advocate is so important, and I’ve finally learned how to do that in kink, while still being me.
February 6th, 2013 - 9:15 am
Pixie you are a polite young lady putting other people before you ,and thats why we love you ,love and spanks,Timxx
February 6th, 2013 - 9:51 am
Hey Pix,
Why don’t you start a signal system? Right wrist is spanker, left wrist is spankee, both is switch. Green ribbon means ‘I’m ready to go’. Yellow ribbon means ‘I’m open for conversation. Let’s see where it goes.’ Red ribbon means ‘No offense, but I’ve got some short term plans at the moment, maybe later’. Your position is immediately seen eliminating the awkwardness and letting the fun begin.
February 8th, 2013 - 6:37 pm
Hi,
I had to think about this one for a bit. I’m sadly one of those people who seem to have the anti-chrisma gene. I’m socially awkward and usually don’t recognize those social or nonverbal cues. On the other hand, I tend to be the type that bends over backward to help even if it’s to my disadvantage. When I had entered my double digits, I realized I liked to serve. The problem is that I usually don’t get the opportunity to do so, in the scene sense, and out of scenes I usually get taken advantage of. I’ve said all this to put my advice in context. It’s best to be blunt but polite. IE: I appreciate you Need a blistering but what you Need is outside my comfort zone or I am not comfortable in not using a safe word. I appreciate that you are new and even though I am not interested; here are some guidelines or suggestions that might help you. Hope that helps.
Kerr
February 10th, 2013 - 1:58 am
One of the first lessons I learned when going to a spanking party (like Chicago Crimson Moon, for example) was to accept “No” as an answer and move on. The hardest part to grasp, I think, is that it’s not a reflection on you, it’s not a rejection of you, it’s not a comment on you as a human being–it just means that, for whatever reason, now is not the right time for them to play, or maybe they already have something else lined up, or maybe they’re at the party to specifically meet and play with someone else. The reasons for saying “No” are many, and you really don’t need to provide a further explanation, although many people do.
Yes, being told “no” when you ask someone to play is a disappointment, and yes, it hurts (especially if, for whatever reason, you seem to be hearing it a few times in a row.) But it’s a fact of party life, and you just have to deal with it.
February 17th, 2013 - 12:48 pm
I haven’t been in that situation as I do not attend parties and it’s just my spanker and me. If I were you I would just go with your gut instinct and stay away.