I received a question by email the other day that got me thinking.
“In reading some recent articles about gay marriage and newly accepted gender and sexuality types, it strikes me that we are becoming a far more tolerant and open society in the sex/gender identity realm. And yet, it doesn’t really seem like that extends to spanking kinks. Most spankos are still firmly closeted, spankos would rarely say something like you’re getting a spanking when we get home in front of vanilla people, unless trying to cause their bottoms a ton of embarrassment, and people in the industry seem to drop out whenever their vanilla careers take off, often, it seems out of fear of negative repercussions, and toy stores have innocuous packaging and store names for your credit card.
[Do] you think we will reach a stage in which people can be open spankos, similar to the way in which being openly gay today doesn’t really cause even a raised eyebrow, without it affecting their vanilla lives?”
There are some positive signs of it being more mainstream at least in the playful, sexy sense. It’s not uncommon to see a quick spanking scene in a movie or television show. Heck, I just saw a commercial for Big Bang Theory today where Amy is gets a few spanks.
However, I think the world may be slow to openly embrace spanking in its entirity. It’s hard for me to pinpoint the reason why. Is it because it’s considered an act of violence by some? Is it because it’s simply not the norm? Is it because it’s often related to sex – which, despite it being the ultimate natural act is still considered somewhat taboo in itself? I think it’s a bit of each which makes it really hard for non-spankos to accept.
I see playful swats as being somewhat generally accepted and practically vanilla-rated these days, but acceptance of the spanko lifestyle to the point of it being acceptable conversation in mixed company is sadly not likely to occur soon in my opinion. There is no social push for tolerance when it comes to spanking and I think it’s a bit too edgy and misunderstood a concept to grow a large support base of vanillas. Perhaps I’m being too cynical, but I find it hard to imagine being able to openly bring up the topic of spanking or engage in the act in public without reasonable fear of rejection by the general population.
What do you forsee? Do you imagine that spanking will one day be a practice that we no longer have to keep secret?
January 22nd, 2013 - 5:49 pm
There’s something fun about being involved in a pleasure that the people around you (co-workers as opposed to friends and in some case friends too) don’t know about your participation. A public swat as a means of communication may seem like a secret decoder ring but it’s like a knowing wink. There are so many people that are publically derogatory about spanking etc. but would love to be a part of it that keeping it out of the “accepted” catagory makes it something special and a good laugh on those who hide their desires behind rhetoric. I abhor hypocrites. Those that really don’t want to get involved due to lack of interest etc. is fine but having it remain a bit low key is a shot over the hypocrites bow.
I know full well that it can be frustrating seeing someone you’d like to be a spanko and easier to approach but too much mainstream blase’ attitude takes something away from being a little edgy.
January 22nd, 2013 - 6:23 pm
I agree with Joe that there is something thrilling about having a secret pleasure. Just like one would rarely discuss their individual sexual exploits in the bedroom or have sex in public, I wouldn’t expect to be able to flip someone over my knee in public or to have a public conversation about the specifics of last night’s spanking play. However, it is a bit mystifying that one can pretty easily openly be gay, at least to the majority of one’s friends or families, and more and more, one can openly have other sexual orientations and sexual identifications without people batting an eye, but that if you were an open spanko, it would hinder you getting jobs, etc. I think one element of the difference is probably the violence element as Pixie mentions, and also the child element of so many role play scenes and the association between spanking and children.
Even though play is consensual between two adults, I think the vanilla world thinks about a spanko, and in many cases thinks that they are some sort of pedophile or infantile personality, and are therefore a danger to others even though that is simply not rooted in fact.
Finally, I think spankos suffer from the currently defined terms governing our kink. Words like fetish, sadist, and masochist, have awful connotations. Unlike homosexuality, which no longer has that negative connotation, people hear sadist and think of some sort of monster, fetish and think, again of things like pedophilia, etc. Unfortunately, you can’t educate people about the true nature of the kink, unless a celebrity spanko were to come “out” and demystify the kink.
January 22nd, 2013 - 7:09 pm
I don’t have clear cut feelings on this. On one hand, I’d say personality types could be a factor as to how a spanking enthusiast may or may not demonstrate techniques in public. An over the top or a VERY outgoing person may not care who seems him or her either giving or receiving spanks.
A very shy or person unsure of his or her feelings about spanking may not give any clues to other people-in a way I would think this is similar to how some gay people may react toward their feelings about their sexuality?
Generally I’ve given and received PLAYFUL smacks in public places. And I would and have admitted to people I enjoy getting spanked. But even at that, I keep the harder to severe spanking preferences of mine between just one or two of my closest friends who are spank tolerant but not TRULY into it. But even so, I would not subject myself to a genuine public punishment spanking with witnesses present. It’s NOT sex to me, but still there’s the issue of my respecting others rights to NOT have to be uncomfortable with seeing the more extreme spanking tastes shoved in their faces.
THANKFULLY TV shows and movies continue to expose mainstream viewers to spanking themes. “Big Bang Theory” had a very cute OTK session between 2 characters. And I recently saw a rerun of the early 2000s sitcom, “Reba”. The character Reba was irritated w her ex husband’s new wife which is the premise of their relationship through most episodes I’ve seen. During this particular disagreement Reba hauled off and gave Barbara Jean a hard crack across her jeans covered ass and said they both knew “the spanking was coming”. Then she gave her another firm smack.
Hopefully the more “celebrity” endorsements we can get in whatever capacity the LESS likely people will be to turn their noses up at something they don’t themselves practice or understand.
January 22nd, 2013 - 7:11 pm
It’ll happen eventually. Im not exactly “out” but im making no attempt to hide it. My mother knows as do some friends. They thought it was weird but were fine with it.
January 22nd, 2013 - 7:35 pm
I think that there is one significant difference between being LGBT and being into BDSM.
If you’re gay, people *have* to notice that you’re with the same sex. It’s basically nobody’s business what exactly you do with your partner and they do not need to know. Non-spankos also usually don’t say something like “you’re getting anal once we go home” or something.
LGBT people need to get out, because they really can’t hide it, if they want to live normal life. BDSM people don’t need it, unless they are (on top of other kinks) exhibicionistic or such.
January 22nd, 2013 - 11:23 pm
In the 70s, Ms magazine ran an article on it during marriages, and the backlash against those liking it was incredible. I still think that exists, the notion that somehow a woman cannot be modern, self-supporting, successful, and also voluntarily willing to be spanked. It is more acceptable for her to be the spanker.
To equate it with abuse is repulsive. But people do. To equate it will being 100% submissive in every element of life is repulsive. But people also do that.
In almost all other aspects of life, folks compartmentalize, but not , by and large, in this aspect.
Perhaps those admonishing people who like it are threatened by their ability to compartmentalize, and enjoy themselves.
January 23rd, 2013 - 12:23 am
I’ve often wondered about this question also. I don’t feel in any way unnatural engaging in spanking but with only a certain few exceptions — a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a couples therapist when moving toward a divorce and explaining why and my oldest and closest friends, also explaining why a divorce — have I discussed my proclivities. I’ve given plenty of public one whacks. I’ve talked about it with women I’ve dated and whom I wanted to interest in spanking so that they would play (and most did). But beyond that it has seemed that people would look at you strangely if you raised the issue, especially raising the issue as a means of sexual fulfillment. (Probably also if you talked about in terms of adult discipline but I’m bot wired that way.) But why shouldn’t it be seen as basically just another form of human sexual wiring? Wish I knew.
January 23rd, 2013 - 4:26 am
I wish it was becoming truly mainstream, but I don’t believe it will be anytime soon, at least not here in the US.
Vanilla people just don’t understand it and since it involves a sort of “physical abuse” it is less likely to be understood. I honestly think clown sex would have a better chance of becoming mainstream. Vanilla people can shrug of clown sex with a simple “oh those silly costumes” and not truly try to comprehend it. Mention adult spanking and that leads to adolescent spanking which is wrong and thus too close a negative association. Domestic spanking “aka” physical harm is just a step away from wife beating, and discipline spanking is just a few more steps away from rape as no women would “freely” submit to such “abuse”.
What is acceptable spanking in mainstream? That of F/M dominatrix style spanking (but even that is just a vague generalization), but why is M/F seldom shown? because it is seen as anti-feminst. Yet it OK that women openly gawk and shriek at teenage boy Twilight characters? Imagine if the opposite was done and men gawked at teenage girl characters on the screen? People would call these men perverts at the minimum… The whole logic of what is and isn’t acceptable sexually in this US culture is twisted and not easily defined and ultimately the reason that I don’t believe spanking will go mainstream.
Once again Pixie your topic is timely as the Oprah Network aired an episode of “Our America with Lisa Ling” regarding BDSM tonight (obviously due to the 50 Shades popularity) and look at how that was received via their Facebook page – all very telling when you read all the comments:
https://www.facebook.com/ownTV
Best,
Enzo
January 23rd, 2013 - 7:51 am
Eve Howard published an interesting discussion related to this question a while back in her column on the Shadowlane website in which she related her experiences being open about what she does with random strangers – airplane seat mates and the like – and concluded finally with the question “How interesting do you want to be to other people?”, implying that lots of people have unexplored fascinations with spanking themes but have no idea that a subculture like ours exists. Yeah, I know, how can that be possible these days, but you’d be surprised.
I agree with those who argue that it would be less fun if everyone was doing it, and that the forbidden aspect is part of the appeal, but one can also look back to earlier historical periods in which corporal punishment of wives by husbands, for example, was very much the norm, although while the sexual dimension of such activities was likely not publicly acknowledged, one can hardly imagine that intelligent folk were oblivious to it.
Regarding things even more taboo than spanking, it was notable that The Guardian reported recently that there had been a parliamentary initiative of some sort to lower the age of consent in Britain from 16 to 14, no doubt inspired by recent scandals. David Cameron nixed it of course. But was it a trial balloon? Probably.
Of course in the middle ages, people, or at least women, used to be married at a much younger age. Some would say the whole concept of “teenagers” was a fabrication of the social engineers. Not that it’s clear to me what end is served by the emphasis and prolongation of adolescence. But I digress.
Sometimes I think the licentiousness of our age is an echo of the Weimar republic (http://feralhouse.com/voluptuous-panic/) and wonder what role it plays in the rise of fascism. Is it merely a distraction, or is it about engendering a lack of restraint that then invites a backlash of totalitarianism? Hmmm.
January 23rd, 2013 - 8:35 am
Pixie yes there have been references to spanking in mainstream programmes ,a friendly spank from a girl to a boy or vice versa ,love and spanks,Timxx
January 23rd, 2013 - 1:33 pm
Great topic, Pixie. I hope our enjoyment of spanking will – someday – become as socially acceptable as being gay, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. That, as you stated, is due to the fact spanking can be seen as violence. In Canada, there was a case where a woman had willing engaged in spanking play with a man…and ended up with bruises on her bottom. Her doctor saw the bruises, and the man who spanked her was charged with assault.. even though th e spanking was consensual. Also, the federal government here is still trying to make the spanking of children a criminal offense.
So.. as much as we all enjoy spanking, respect each other’s limits, and only spank consensually, I think it’ll be sometime before spanking is ” accepted ” by mainstream society.
Take care.
January 23rd, 2013 - 4:53 pm
It’s not a problem that concerns me, personally. I don’t care if people who aren’t spankos don’t understand the kink or like it. Mind your own business. It’s not like being gay. Sexual orientation isn’t just a sexual activity. Homosexuality demands the same acceptance as hetero. Spanking is like many other kinks—people with the preference enjoy it, others don’t. I think sexuality is like food. Some things are delicious, some make you want to gag. But nobody is offended if you don’t eat the same foods they do. Society is just ridiculously judgmental about sex. I think with the Internet and a changing culture, we’re seeing the various common sexual predilections become more familiar to everyone, and the younger generation accepts them more readily. Whether that means you’ll be able to paddle your partner to tears on the spot when they act up at the mall, I don’t know. One can only hope.
January 23rd, 2013 - 6:56 pm
When I look at the spanking community from my web browser, it sometimes reminds me of CB (Citizens’ Band) radio in Britain back in the 1980s.
CB was illegal, but thousands of guys and girls persisted in having fun (and annoying the establishment) by having secret conversations with each other, over the banned frequencies.
Then, for some reason best known to herself, a certain Mrs Thatcher instructed Parliament to make CB radio legal.
The whole thing died overnight. There was no longer any fun in it.
Now, spanking is different. It meets many people’s deepest emotional and sexual needs.
So what is the answer?
I think of the Gay community, (I’m not gay by the way) and how rock/pop music brought things to mainstream public attention in the UK…
The Tom Robinson band.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
The Scissor Sisters.
Does the kink community have anyone who can sing, someone who can play guitar, a bass player and drummer?
January 23rd, 2013 - 9:39 pm
I think it will remain in the shadows because as Pixie says it is an act of “violence.” Also, it’s a punishment generally reserved for children so there’s that whole child aspect to it.
January 24th, 2013 - 9:12 pm
I don’t want to be the wet blanket in all of this, but there is a serious side to the taboo element of spanking in the modern era. There are two basic sides to spanking mistakenly referred to as consensual and nonconsensual. It’s really sexy vs. disciplinary. We can all agree that we’re only discussing consensual situations.
That said, consensual/sexy spankings are rather accepted. There are any number of references in all forms of entertainment and media. Phrased properly, people can discuss that side of the kink with no real problem. In fact, bondage and spanking are probably the first suggestions in any “naughty” mainstream advice section on how married couples can spice up their lives.
The issue is disciplinary spanking and the problem is the outspoken non-elected leaders of the feminist movement. Note I did not say that feminism is the problem. We should all be in favor of women getting equal treatment, pay and opportunities in any and every situation. However, actual feminism and mainstream media feminism aren’t always the same thing.
Mainstream feminism often seeks to abolish anything that resembles a gender specific role. Disciplinary spanking for women has a link to traditions that were oppressive to women, so the emotion is understandable, though they are unreasonable. An empowered woman can choose to be as feminine, ,sexy, girly or submissive as she wants to be, knowing that all three are not the same thing and all three are not suitable in every situation.
Right now, the mainstream has trouble differentiating presenting disciplinary spanking as different from wife beating. The few times disciplinary spanking is referenced in the mainstream, it’ll usually be the man as the bottom, sometimes for comedic effect, but also to avoid feminist outrage.
The sad irony is that many strong women that I know are comfortable in a relationship where they are spanked for brattiness. They can’t speak up about it without undermining the outspoken minority within the feminist movement.
Between the aforementioned points and the fact that spanking is a private activity in its nature, we will see highly fetishized spanking(heh) of both sexes, dark and poorly presented non-con spanking and off color disciplinary spanking of males, but it’ll be some time before the vanilla mainstream accepts the disciplinary spanking of a female brat.
Despite all that, since spanking is very common, if you are outspoken about it people will shut up and accept it, secretly glad that you made it okay.
PEH
January 24th, 2013 - 10:06 pm
Pix, you know how I feel about this. I believe one needs to be true to who and what they are. As I’ve always said , I am discreet not closeted .
January 25th, 2013 - 6:33 pm
Eventually, I think. it won’t be so much “forever closeted” as “nobody cares what consenting adults get up to between/amongst themselves”. I think playful spanking (“spanking-as-foreplay”) is getting as mainstream as any bedroom thing can get. It’s what couples do when they want to “try something kinky” and it’s easily incorporated into role-play (AKA, what couples get up to anyways, when they get a little bored of honeymoon sex.)
January 28th, 2013 - 8:50 am
Pixie ,little Gianna gets huge spanks from headmistress Julie at her strict school ,love and spanks,Timxx
January 28th, 2013 - 11:05 am
How much harder is the spanking for genuine wrongdoing as opposed to pleasure?
January 28th, 2013 - 11:09 am
Does this forum mean that a genuine wrongdoing committed in the public will attract an immediate bare bottom spanking?
January 28th, 2013 - 11:12 am
Will Pixie in her new career expect a spanking or two when she fails to learn her part properly i.e will she be over her director’s knee bare bottom in front of other performers
January 30th, 2013 - 7:58 am
Pixie ,ittle Tara is whacked well for very bad language to teacher,love and spanks,Timxx
January 30th, 2013 - 2:32 pm
If spanking remains a secret, then communicate by smartphon
My laptop is in repaiir, so this message is on my Samsung.
I *hate* bloody touchscreens, so if you,Pixie, can use these things you have earned a Good Girl spanking!
This message took 1Hour 27 minutes to compose.
January 30th, 2013 - 2:40 pm
And I still missed the bloody E off smartphone!
I ***HATE*** touchscreens!
February 2nd, 2013 - 1:07 am
Hi, Pixie,
Spanking will not become an accepted practice or a topic failing to raise eyebrows in polite company anytime soon.
While the Puritan ethos no longer has the grip it once had on American society, Americans are not as sexually adventuresome or empathic toward unusual sexual practices, including spanking, as they would like to think. They still do not openly embrace the gay, lesbian, or transgender lifestyle either, let alone the more novel forms on human interaction, such as consensual spanking, bondage, and discipline as the mass media would have us believe. There are many areas in the United States where one would be foolish indeed to announce a sexual orientation other than what the Christian bible preaches, or imply a fascination with any form of BDSM. In many parts of the world, the situation is much the same, with social and legal repercussions being much more pronounced than what might occur stateside. Only in very progressive enclaves, like San Francisco or Amsterdam, would one ever consider taking the risk of showing one’s true colors.
There are many reasons for this lack of acceptance, some of which have already been mentioned here. Adult consensual spanking is simply not the norm because it defies generally accepted human interaction, is not well understood, and seems to run counter to a long held premise that people avoid pain and seek pleasure. It’s hard to imagine vanillas listening to accounts of marathon spanking sessions involving heavy role playing and the use of insidious-looking implements. To the uninitiated such scenes carry overtones of blatant sadomasochism, more than enough to frighten most ordinary people or cause them to feel revulsion. Even if a spanko were to skip the details and simply announce his or her orientation, non-spankos might be left wondering what really goes on behind closed doors.
Spankophobia, like homophobia, could be a wide-spread issue. In the context of homosexuality, it would seem that those who protest the most about same-sex intercourse may, themselves, harbor repressed homosexual urges that they unknowingly project onto others, and then react to the projection in a negative way. So it is with spanking. Those who speak out against consensual adult spanking or see it as a depraved activity may have had past dealings with corporal punishment in one manner of another and harbor intense feelings about it. When such people later meet a true spanko, they may react negatively to the spanko like a homophobic might react negatively to meeting a gay or lesbian person. There could be many people with this issue.
Admittedly, it would be a great comfort if I didn’t feel a need to hide out in the spanko’s closet. I’m not looking to divulge the details of my spanking activities with every passerby. However, it would be nice on occasion to express my interest and admit to my secrete proclivities so that I might feel a little more integrated, rather than my always having to split off that aspect of myself from public view. Even among spankos there’s always a chance of being judged or rejected, especially if one is a switch or a submissive man who easily passes for an alpha male in mainstream society.
February 3rd, 2013 - 11:34 am
Well, I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m staying in my nice safe spanking closet even though there isn’t much room what with all of the paddles, canes, tawses, belts, whips, switches, martinets, wooden spoons, hair brushes, slippers, hot wheels tracks, extension cords, straps, raw hide gloves, rug beaters, drop-seat union suits, cheer leader uniforms, schoolgirl costumes, school boy costumes, restraints and not to mention the spanking buddy.
February 5th, 2013 - 3:35 pm
nothing bothers me more than to see the weak attempts at bringing spanking into the mainstream via innuendo or pretending to agast at it in sitcoms or movies. Leave it secret since giving it to the mainstream would be absolute ruin like everything else the midless followers pick up as a fad. (But I do have to admit britta’s spanking in Community was arousing). Let’s everybody giggle at 50 Shades… as if they would actually participate. The main characters in Secretary had to be badly flawed so they wouldn’t be considered part of the ‘ordinary’ people. How about we find those who are trying to dilute the fetish and put them over our knees. Leave it where it should be….behind the woodshed.
February 6th, 2013 - 11:30 pm
Miss Pixie, I have to agree with John T. up above me here. Putting spanking in the hands of the mainstream would trash it. It’s a shame. But we need to leave it behind the barn or woodshed as John T. said.
February 19th, 2013 - 5:20 pm
I think 50 Shaes of Gray has brought spanking briefly out of the closet. Last fall on The View a couple of women asked a male guest if he was a spanker. And before Newsweek went digital there was an issue where the cover featured a headshot of a blindfolded woman with the caption “Whay women want”. The story had the headline “She brings home the bacon, raises the kids, takes care of the house and she wants to be…spanked?” The story featured scenes of movies with scenes of M/F spanking such as “The Story of O” and comments on a New York female writer who has written about her “fascination with spanking.” The following issue featured two angry letters from women saying the issue “had set back feminism 50 years.”
Spanking was a fad last year in mainstream media which will move on to the next fad. But for awhile we were out there.