Reader question:
“How deeply do you like to bond with your spanking partners? When interacting do you prefer to stick to just light hearted-even superficial interaction? Do you like to share most or all of your personality traits, non-spanking experiences? Do you trust your scene friends as much as you do your non-scene ones?
I’ve noticed people online worrying aloud about where someone has been and proclaiming online fetish friends to be more important than even relatives, but then they disappear for months on end themselves without a word. So how close are you really then to your spanking friends?”
I’m going to address the second part of the topic first. I don’t think the sometimes fickle nature of online communities is limited to the fetish world as I’ve seen the same behavior a lot on health support boards. People connect on a unique level over their common interest, one that friends and family don’t understand on a first hand basis, and get obsessed for a while over having found this magical cyberland of like beings. And just like the fetish world, the boards come with friendships and meets and possible romance and dramas and hurt feelings and name calling and trolls and sock puppets and disappearing acts. It’s interesting to watch the behavior from a sociological standpoint.
I wonder if it’s the very nature of it being a cyber world. You expect your dreamland of friends to be available whenever you turn on the computer much like a TV and only require attention when you feel like it. I think it’s a general theme in today’s tech driven world. You have more ways of connecting without having to make any actual contact and little effort. You don’t have to coordinate to speak with someone, you can text and avoid a conversation and don’t even have to correspond at the same time. You don’t have to visit friends or go to reunions because you have Facebook to check up on their lives and what they look like at your leisure. Heck, you don’t even have to say anything, you just have to click like on a comment or a photo and you can put yourself in the close friends category.
I’m not dissing this state of tech at all because I’m guilty as sin of FB stalking photos and have no intent of ever attending a reunion, but I do think this mentality contributes to people’s behavior as noted at least as much as the fact that they are scene friends.
Ok, now to back up to the first few questions. Personally, my bond with spanking partners can vary as much as regular friendships. It can range anywhere from very close along the lines of best friends to more casual acquaintances. It can sound odd to think of playing with someone as being equivalent to acquaintances considering the intimate nature of the act, but that’s how I’d categorize friendly play at a party between two people that have only just met and chatted for a few minutes before engaging in a spanking scene.
For me, it’s a wonderful thing when I can connect to a person on many levels beyond just spanking. It rounds out the friendship and strengthens the bond. I like having common interests to discuss or even getting together to enjoy a vanilla activity. But I have to have a sense of trust in a person, whether vanilla or spanko, to truly share both sides of myself fully so I am cautious. I can completely understand wanting to keep the worlds neatly divided as it takes a while for me to build that level of trust. Some friends that I’ve made through the spanking world have become just as close and trustworthy to me as non-scene friends. But since I connect to them with common interests outside of spanking, I don’t differentiate them as scene friends. They are simply good friends!
How about you? How close a connection do you foster with your spanking friends?
December 18th, 2012 - 4:46 am
When I first discovered the spanking sites, I was more open minded to seeking out many types of friendships. But I soon discovered there are MANY superficial people on sites like Fetlife. There is alot of one-sided admiration there. People want heaps of attention bestowed upon THEMSELVES but are reluctant to return the compliments or seem to do so half heartedly to their “fans.”
I know many people enjoy collecting as many friends as possible on those sites. I used to accept requests without much thought. Then I realized some of the people had likes/interests that did not mesh with mine and I truly couldn’t imagine wanting to spend in person time with some of the people on my list.
The other main issue is the developed bond and trust people seek. I have read many times where hurt feelings have developed over slights/misunderstandings between scene friends which gets posted for all to see. People take sides which is natural but it would make me uncomfortable to have my inner feelings exposed for all to see. So what’s best for me is to have a group of light hearted, superficial scene friendships along with a core group of very close scene/general friendships.
I treasure those genuine friendships I have developed from the spanking scene which have moved into all around friendships. These are people who have a great sense of humor regarding many topics. I feel we have complimentary personality traits. I don’t think it’s that easy to obtain these so I consider myself VERY fortunate.
December 18th, 2012 - 6:19 am
Hi Pixie!! Great post! – - Friendships online are indeed fickle, as are friendships in real life.. I have many vanilla friends that I could never share private thoughts with, and have my online “friends” who are at a distance, yet still close. As long as one can differentiate between “friends” and acquaintances, the trust for both is always present… I’m glad that I could re-connect with both friends AND acquaintances!!! Again – GREAT post!!
December 18th, 2012 - 7:03 am
Pixie ,yes i enjoy chatting with my i like to think friends here ,the magic of communication with spankos ,love and spanks,Timxx
December 18th, 2012 - 8:27 am
i will say i love to have some spankings friends i even consider you a friend or all other female model i talk to on blog or any female into spanking as a friend. even so i never met you or them in person but would love to some day. even so you or those other one the first time i do meet you would be for a spanking from you or them
i still would love become good friend still too with them not just from the spankings but casue i need more friends i dont have many not too many people outside this spanking world with me know iam into or like being spanked
so i do have some spanking friend on here but i like get to know you or other people on personal level people like you already seem like your friuendly i notice like you who shy like me in real life as other one are so they one thing we have in common ieven feel even so i know you like being spanked and into it i doubt i be able ask to be spanked or talk to you about spankings
another reason i like get know you or other people on personal level so i can have other things talk about other then spankings lol since i know your whole life and day doesnt include spanking whole time
December 18th, 2012 - 2:05 pm
Because of the commonality that we have in this genre, I tend to want to connect on many levels with the spankee. For me, its about building confidences and trust. For me, its about making the spankee feel comfortable and happy that she could play with me. That gives me complete satisfaction and happiness.
I didn’t venture out into the spanking world until I was 68 years of age. I’ve known that it existed up to 30 years before that, but was always afraid to “take the leap”. Once I did though, I never looked back.
Thanks to my partners. Ben
December 18th, 2012 - 6:03 pm
Since the ideal spanking dynamic for me is bottoming to other straight women I have to admit that I prefer deeper friendships with female tops/switches more so than male tops. I feel I can be myself with the women and not have to worry about ulterior motives (sexual conquests). I like my male spanking friends but would be unlikely to meet them for spanking sessions unless it were during a party.
December 18th, 2012 - 6:14 pm
Online friendships can indeed be fleeting. But so can in-person friendships. People are busy, people’s lives change and go in different directions. I have said many good-byes over the years to scene friends I considered dear and close, and each good-bye breaks my heart just a little.
As far as closeness is concerned, I like the forum friendships as much as the next person; I enjoy the camaraderie, the comments, etc. But I also treasure the support. When my mother passed away last June, my online friends flooded me with messages and comments that touched me deeply.
But in person? I do need a deep connection with spanking friends, and something else in common besides the spanking. I want to be able to talk with my tops, go have a bite to eat, talk about our hobbies, likes, dislikes. If I have a bond with a spanker, ideally, it’s with him as a person as well as a top. I want to know who he is, and I want him to know who I am.
As for spanko girlfriends, I wish I had more of those locally. Which is why it’s such a joy to see them at parties. I may not play with women, but I love my gal pals. Female friendships are a special bond indeed.
December 19th, 2012 - 12:37 am
I agree with the rest of the comments here. I don’t think online friendships are any more or less fickle than real life ones. I have vanilla friends I only see near Christmas or for their kid’s birthday and the rest of the time they are too busy with things to keep up with anyone who isn’t family.
Then there’s the ones who appear when they are having a hard time, break-up, etc. and bask in the support given, then disappear again after finding someone new to date. It happens all the time. People come and go for various reasons. I think online can be more difficult in the aspect that it’s a bit more simple to fall off the face of the earth and people are left wondering why/what happened.
I have met many scene friends who I consider just regular good friends. The way we know each other has to be a bit altered in mixed company, but we are friends beyond a common kink. On the flip side of the amazing closeness that can be found with other spankos though is the worry of getting too close too fast and ending up burned. It’s easy to be trusting when you are sharing your deepest desires/secrets but one should still be careful.
December 19th, 2012 - 10:41 am
Think the sine qua non of enduring friendships are trust and a degree of emotional empathy. I have a number of friends I correspond to online, but those friendships do not have the depth of those where real life interpersonal is a major part of the relationship. I have had online conversations that lead to live relationships. I have had very good conversations and sharing online.
My closest friends are vanillas from a long way back. But my most intense relationship for both joy and pain started with my answering an ad on a spanking website and I think the about five months of online conversation made the transition to in-person relationship easier.
In general, I agree with Erica that no friendship is really lasting without knowing the person and, at least for me, that involves connecting in real life.
I’ve enjoyed the friendships I have developed in the spanking world. And I would not have a long-term relationship without spanking. But, with one exception that unfortunately ended after four years, I haven’t found the durable and deep friendships I have with my long-time vanilla relationships.
December 19th, 2012 - 5:36 pm
Great post, Pixie. I love the comparison to other on-line special interest boards. I think the criteria for true friendship is the same regardless of whether special interest or vanilla, on-line or in person. But one of those criteria is a shared interest. As you mention, on a special interest board (and even more so in the spanko community, possibly to the intimate nature you refer to), there is already a known starting point of mutual interest. The question is can it move beyond that.
Mark
December 23rd, 2012 - 9:47 am
I have no real life spanking friends so on line is the only place for me to “conduct business”. I guess it’s all part of being a pathetic loser. You are right about the “sock puppet” situation. Niki Flynn, Adele Haze, and their online alter egos were once a place where I was able to come out of the spanking closet. Indeed, if not for stumbling upon “Aunt Agony” back when I first bought a computer, I would still be unable to converse on any level with anyone about past experiences (the only ones I have). I have a very strong kink and in reality, my taste in videos is a lot more severe than the ones PB puts out. I did receive your prize video (thank you most humbly for sending it) and was very happy with the quality. The strap was the only implement that took care of business on both cheeks at once and slightly on the cleft even if it was in my view used lightly. What I wouldn’t give for a real life spanking partner that could tie a bowline without getting her tits in the way and give and receive a proper whippin’ …
December 23rd, 2012 - 5:14 pm
As an occasional contributer to your conversations I simply want to say that for those of us who have no spanking friends in real life (and have only experienced Corporal Punishment at the hands of a professikonal) on line discussions are the only way by which we can have any interaction with others who share the fetish. When I read blogs like yours I believe I am listening to a friend – but that I may disappear for months on end is simply recognition of the fact that any feeling of closeness/freindship is inevitably one way only and can never be reciprocated. So I am glad that you (and others like you) are there – but yes, there has to be some element of fickleness in all such (non)relationships.
December 24th, 2012 - 1:22 pm
Pixie and all at Punished Brats a Merry Christmas ,from your chum Tim xx
December 24th, 2012 - 5:53 pm
“Tim”, you ought to be spanked for posting comments on a spanking blog on X-mas eve. Now go to your room.
December 25th, 2012 - 7:40 am
Oh lol .,Tim.
December 25th, 2012 - 10:52 am
Totally OT – Merry Christmas, Pixie!
December 25th, 2012 - 12:05 pm
Merry X-mas, once again celebrating the birth of Horus. Or was it Osiris? I can never remember the details of all these ancient fairy tales.
December 27th, 2012 - 3:40 pm
Hi, Pixie,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Other than my wife, I have no spanking friends; for reasons of privacy and safety, I limit my spanking discussions anonymously to your spanking board. So I would never have a purely casual spanking relationship.
I agree: it’s a wonderful experience indeed to connect to another person on multiple levels, whether it involves spanking or not. Such a connection for me would involve common experiences, such as writing, photography, psychology, world affairs, movies, books, and so forth. I like hiking and trekking too.
Sharing myself with others, however, does require a sense of trust. If I share something personal, how will it be received? Will I be judged, will my sharing be the topic of unintended gossip, or will I be seen as something undesirable or worse. Or will I simply be made invisible by a lack of interest and empathy on the part of my listener? For these reasons, it’s so much easier for me to invite others to share rather than take the chance of disclosing the more personal aspects of myself.
December 28th, 2012 - 9:10 am
Pixie ,lovely little Marissa gets her big spanks from David for speeding in the car ,love and spanks ,Timxx
December 30th, 2012 - 11:30 am
Excluding relatives, my spanko friends tend to be much closer than my vanilla friends when compared by medium.(RL spankos to RL vanillas, and online spankos to online vanillas) To me, this is due in part to my not having to conceal a significant, if not vital, part of myself from them. Yes, there are spanko friends that I might not talk to for weeks or months, but the fact that I don’t see several vanilla friends more than once a year doesn’t make them any less dear to me.