Why is it so hard to ask for a spanking? Well, maybe it isn’t hard for everyone, but it sure can be for me. I could be craving a spanking so badly that every cell in my body is practically screaming for it and yet I struggle to just ask for what I need.
I find it embarrassing to request a spanking, even if the person I’m asking would likely be only too happy to assist. And if I do manage to eek the words out, the resulting spanking experience rarely feels quite the same if the spanker simply says “ok, sure” and starts smacking away. I need to feel like the spanker believes I am deserving of the hot bottom I’m about to receive whether it’s for fun or for punishment. I want to be able to comfortably submit and safely give up control of the situation.
But even the most intuitive person can’t be a perfect mind reader and sometimes not-so-subtle hints are required. Sure teasing and bratting can sometimes be an indirect method of getting the message across, but one has to walk a fine line to not end up causing hurt and upset and still miss out on the desired spanking outcome. Presenting a bare bottom can be another seemingly obvious hint, but again there is the risk of misinterpretation that could result in other fun intimate activities but not necessarily the desired discipline. And that’s why asking outright would seem to be the best method if not necessarily the easiest to do.
But whether I try the somewhat more subtle approach of dropping hints or manage to gather the courage to ask outright for what I need, I pray to hear the magical word, “you know what you need? A good hard spanking.” Why yes. Yes I do.
Does anyone else find it difficult to ask for a spanking? Does it depend on whom you’re asking? Do you try other ways to “earn” a spanking rather than make a request? And for the spankers out there, do you like when a spankee asks for what he or she needs, or do you find that it somehow changes the experience?
October 9th, 2009 - 7:26 pm
As a spankee, I find it difficult to ask, but not because I know it’s going to sting. I find it difficult because as you say, I need for the spanker to get into the same mood and do it effectively. Sometimes when I do find the courage to ask, I get a softened version simply because my darling thinks I don’t deserve such a hard one because I had the courage to admit to needing one. That’s all find and good, but I really wanted a harder, more serious one.
As a spanker, it all depends on how I’m asked. I’m a pretty good mood reader, so simply saying a serious, hard spanking is needed is enough for me to tap into that mode. Then, as I’m spanking I question as to why the spanking is needed and depending on the answer I spank accordingly. So, if you said you needed a spanking because you crave one I’d spank according to your body language during the spanking. But, if you admit to having done something seriously wrong, hey, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do.
October 9th, 2009 - 8:45 pm
My goodness–we really do have lots in common! I was just thinking about this very thing.
Being the cute submissive that I so much long to be, I can only feel truly fulfilled when I know the strict Master is enjoying my little squirming bottom as he punishes me.
That’s really all I have to say on that naughty subject. I’d just rather give you a great big hug for being the sweetheart that you are.
I just love that we can think alike…:) It’s not surprising that I would want to model myself after such a submissive sweety like you..
Take care…:)
October 10th, 2009 - 12:02 am
For years I found it difficult to ask. Finally I decided just to go with it. I’ve asked at least twenty women over the past ten years and…zip. No interest. They wear outfits that hint of interest but it turns out they like the idea of turning someone on but it comes down to the attitude,”only kidding.” On one hand it’s very frustrating, on the other, they’re just having fun so why not. Some have actually said they would be glad to hand one out but they never do.
I never thought that with the openess that spanking has gotten over the past few years that it would be a chore to get one. What it is, at least in my case, it’s been impossible.
Hmmm..maybe they sense that I’m just too good and would never deserve… uhh..you’re not buying that are you? Me either.
October 10th, 2009 - 12:51 am
Pixie,
As you know I am starting a new relationship that I have just “confessed” my desire to be spanked in. I’m happy to say that it is going well and steady progress is being made but I, too, am struggling with figuring out how to communicate my desires without just flat out saying “SPANK ME”.
If I ask then the “spontaneousness” is gone and I feel like I’m going to be asked, “When, where, how, with what, etc.” which is not what I want to be in charge of. If I seriously brat than I risk the chance of just upsetting him or making him mad which he may choose to take an alternative action to other than spanking me .. which is not good for developing a relationship.
I’m working on code words/phrases to let him know the frame of mind I’m in such as getting him to say, “You need a good sound spanking, young lady”, to which I can say some like, “Please don’t spank me, sweetie” (I’m not in the mood now and we have got our wires crossed) or (more likely) “Please don’t spank me ….(pause) toooo hard”. (full steam ahead, I’m ready for you to take control).
I figure if we can get the go/no-go signals worked out right than we can slowly work on intensity (desired or needed) and the body language he will need to discover my pain threshold. (very important).
I’ll keep you up to date on how things progress through my private e-mails but I am VERY glad to hear that even experienced people in longer steady relationships struggle with the same communication problems I do.
As usual, another great blog topic!!
Linde
October 10th, 2009 - 2:15 am
Dear Pixie,
This in fact was the very question at last week’s Spanko Brunch. This was my response posted on my blog. I find it hard to believe that you of all people need to ask for a spanking. All I want to do when I see your picture is turn you over my knee.
LS
This week for Bonnie’s MBS Spanko Brunch #194 she asks this question: Have you or your partner discovered any creative ways to ask for a spanking?
“Ask me once, ask me twice … and don’t spare the rod”
Anna could have simply asked for a spanking. Leo was, if anything, more than willing to indulge her passion for a sore bottom. But asking was too easy. So was dropping coy hints or licking frosting off a wooden spoon. Printed panties: not very subtle. So what did Anna decide?
Well, each day of the week had a special word. When Anna used that special word, Leo could spank her. To make things interesting, Leo only had thirty minutes to begin the spanking or else he forfeited the chance to spank Anna until the following day.
Anna took advantage of that twist by using the special spanking code word in the most inappropriate places. Having dinner with the in-laws, sitting in church, driving on the interstate just after passing a rest area, Anna was quite creative with her timing.
Leo however rose to the occasion every single time and Anna always had a red sore bottom when returning to the dinner table, the church pew or the passenger seat of the car. The more awkward the timing, the harder Leo would spank. Anna’s ultimate goal was to be spanked in a place she was sure Leo couldn’t carry out the deed.
Turns out the captain of the aircraft was a spanko and when he asked for a vote over the intercom, the majority of the passengers wanted to see and hear Leo do the deed. Anna didn’t know the captain was a college frat buddy of Leo. It was a very long flight for Anna, four hours sitting, minus the thirty-minute spanking observed by all on the plane.
When she used the special code word the next day while sunning at the resort pool, Leo simply rolled her over and ‘touched’ up the parts he’d missed the day before. Her thong bikini matched the color perfectly. ‘Red Bottom Baby’ by Leo.
October 10th, 2009 - 3:16 am
oh,…punkin,
you’ve done it again. what a topic.
perforce i cannot speak for the girls. i wish everyone would read the frog pond & the exquisite thing by joyce maciver. she covers this topic far better than i ever could.
advice: i don’t know. i can’t even imagine a young lady comming up to me saying “don, i need a spanking. please”. it’s all very confusing.
it’s also moot. ain’t gonna happen.
the best advice i can give is, forget about spanking. find a guy who is a natural daddy [the rarest of the male species] and has a great sense of humor. spanking, if you need it, will come.
oh yes….richard windsor has a new project. it’s for bloggers so i don’t know if i qualify. a place for stories he says.
well if i’m able to i’ll contribute. but if you want metronome spanking from sentence two…go piss up a wet rope. there’s more to life than spanking but bringing this wonder into it is sooooo much fun.
my two cents.
ddon
October 10th, 2009 - 7:35 am
Hi Pixie
Wow what a lovely question. My first impulse was to say, “My dear you always need a spanking, there’s no need to ask.”
But on reflection and reading the comments it really is a knotty one as your spanker will have to be an expert on body language to read what sort of spanking you want and require.
Personally as an asperger’s guy, I would be in trouble as body language is well nigh impossible to read at times, especially from ladies.
I think you just have to go for it; difficult as that is.
In my spoilt brat spankee / naughty schoolboy mode I would just whine and brat until I received my comeuppance.
Sorry I can’t help much.
You do bring up the most wonderful debates in spanking though.
Phil
October 10th, 2009 - 3:35 pm
Pixie,
As always, you raise a great question and topic. I’ll try to come back with something more thought out when I get back from work, but if you came up to me with the proffered paddle as in your picture, you wouldn’t have to say a thing. I’d be warming your lovely bottom in a few nano-seconds.
Mark
October 10th, 2009 - 4:05 pm
It is a problem, happily, I usually get more than I need, much more.
I when I find myself looking at the floor with a cool breaze over my butt, for any reason, there is nothing unsatisfactory about it.
Twice a year, on birthdays and Christmas, I get when I say, a request spanking.
Usually it is to experience something I have seen on the web.
It is hard to ask when I am still on fire from the last one.
Lee
October 10th, 2009 - 6:38 pm
I find it incredibly, incredibly difficult to ask for a spanking. I have issues asking for things that I need, and it is embarrassing, as well. There’s also the pain factor. . . . . KYOTKGUY spanks incredibly hard, and I often try to avoid going over his knee as a consequence. That, however, is minimal, at least, until the spanking starts. . . . .
While I don’t consciously try to earn a spanking when I need one, my attitude often lands me over his knee. I get snappy and out-of-sorts, and that never goes well for me, even though it isn’t a conscious “acting out” for the purpose of getting a spanking. As a matter of fact, I often deny that I need one, and fight to avoid it!
October 11th, 2009 - 3:11 am
As a switch, I can speak to both sides of this. I personally have never had as much of an issue *asking* for a spanking. *Admitting* that I need one is often the bigger issue for me. When I’ve asked, though, it’s felt right. Maybe I’ve just been lucky.
On the other side of the paddle, when I’ve been asked for a spanking…this is perhaps the sexiest thing a woman can do…big doe eyes, hitch in the voice….rowr.
October 11th, 2009 - 3:23 am
This is a great topic. Asking for discipline is a whole different topic for me, so I won’t get into it.
Asking when you want a spanking, just to want one, can be difficult though. When I am just antsy and all over the place, and just need to be re-centered, that’s tough.
Recently I had this issue with a close friend. I wrote a story blog about it (What Didn’t Happen Last Night) briefly, but here I shall elaborate. I wanted a spanking that would break me, re-center me. Something hard and strict, and firm, that would be a release. Because I was so…pent up…I had a lot of trouble saying as much, and instead ended up acting a bit childish and throwing a mini temper tantrum.
I felt foolish and embarrassed but was able to explain myself the next day.
Sometimes, a simple IM can be the difference between getting what you want/need and throwing a temper tantrum.
October 11th, 2009 - 10:26 am
I meant to include ‘being spanked by someone who makes a habit of doing it anyway without having to be asked.’
October 11th, 2009 - 12:16 pm
As you know, my two ladies get disciplinary spankings all the time because they’re just so naughty! But even so both of them let me know, from time to time, that it’s time they were spanked. How does each of them do that? Well, quite discreetly…. by standing near me with both her hands on her clothed bottom, by gently smacking/patting her bottom in front of me, by walking away from me and brushing a hand across her bottom, by bending over directly in front of me, by crouching down when wearing jeans or trousers so that I can see the top of her bottom cheeks and the top couple of inches of her crack…..etc,etc……..
You can see why both ladies end up with very red and very sore bottoms!!
Aristotle
October 11th, 2009 - 1:59 pm
Pixie interesting post as usual yes giving clues is a good idea ,love and spanks from tim xxxxxx
October 11th, 2009 - 4:19 pm
I do enjoy it more if I get a spanking and don’t have to ask for it. On the other hand, if I am told to do or not to do something, then I know being naughty will get me what I want…being bad is almost “expected” of me!
October 11th, 2009 - 8:32 pm
I think a spanking “outfit”, is definitely a way to send the ‘message’….
October 12th, 2009 - 12:10 am
I have a friend whose wife says “You are not the boss of me!” to him when she wants a spanking.
October 12th, 2009 - 1:49 am
That’s cute Tony. I might use that sometime!
October 12th, 2009 - 11:45 am
I loved that wistful little picture. It made me think of Oliver Twist with the porridge.
And I’m seriously jealous of that airplane story. I thought I’d conjured every spanking scenario fantasy imaginable, but that one slipped above my radar, -pun intended. Now I’m going to feel seriously deprived next time I’m sitting on a plane just eating that boring little bag of honey roast peanuts.
October 12th, 2009 - 4:15 pm
To me it ‘ruins’ the whole atmosphere when you have to ask or being asked for a spanking. (Apart from plays in which it has a particular role).
I believe it needs to be a matter of ‘situational sensitivity’. The whole atmosphere needs to be right for a spanking to make it a spanking loved by both.
That’s why I believe both the spanker and spankee need to be at least good friends and know each other really well, to make a spanking successful for both.
As so often, a good topic again..!
October 12th, 2009 - 6:15 pm
I find it extremely hard to just come out and ask. Part of me thinks, “What fun is that?” Another part grumbles, “Why should I have to ask? Shouldn’t he just KNOW?” Yes, I know that’s unreasonable, but you know, sometimes fantasies defy reason.
Bratting and teasing can only go so far. Step over the line and it’s just plain annoying. And some tops will deliberately ignore bratting, because they know they’re being manipulated.
I remember at a party years ago, there was a guy whom I wanted to play with in the worst way. I sensed he was interested in me, but he wasn’t making a move. So I dropped every hint, I was sassy, I was… myself. He would just look at me and smile. It annoyed the hell out of me! Finally, I gave up. Subtlety wasn’t working. I walked right up to him and blurted, “Look, I’ve done everything but stick my a** in your face. Are we going to play, or what??”
Well, it worked.
October 12th, 2009 - 7:22 pm
Dear Ms. Beautiful and Wondeful Pixie
Here is what I suggest: have a hook located in a place in your house that your husband can not miss seeing several times each day. Maybe in a private place like your bedroom. When you know you need a spanking, you simply select the implement you think you deserve to be spanked with and hang it on the hook then forget about it and go about your life. Your husband is then responsible to recognize the situation by frequently monitoring to see if you are “on the hook” for a good licking, and respond accordingly. He can even act as if it was all his decision that you are going to get one and you can even beg for forgiveness and say that you don’t want one and dont need one and carry on about how unfair a spanking would be.
Enjoy, but if you were my wife, you would NEVER, EVER have to wait very long for your next spanking: “Ms Pixie, bring your bottom over here so I can see if it needs a good paddling. Oh look, your little white cheeks hardly have any red left on them at all from your last spanking. Oh you poor,poor thing! This is going to hurt you SO MUCH more than it is going to hurt me. Now quickly, run and get the hair brush and get back in here and over my knee with your bare bottom up nice and high for me to spank, my Dear Lovely Young One”. Poor baby!
AzSpanks
October 12th, 2009 - 7:47 pm
i have no idea why it hard to ask for a spanking maybe half time you think person u want to ask if they will spank you or into spanking might think ya werid or crazy.
another thing is i think some people afriad of being turned down for the spanking and person going turn them down casue if that happen mean you still not or had not got the spanking
i mean i have trouble asking people for spanking when i get courage talk to them about it or about spanking. i still don’t acutally get spanked by that person. even os i know it may change.
to me if you ask for a spanking and person turn u down or not intrested in the spanking stuff. you still won’t get spanked and never will be spanked by that person. so best to move on.
i usally try have more then one female i want ask them to spank me but keep more foucs on one of them, casue if one don’t do it possible other one will. i do get upset when one i reallty want not going do it or intrested. i just try accept it. themn i find out other one not going do it iam back to sqaure one lol
bottom line is i think i am mostly embrassed to ask for a spanking and often wonder to myself why do i want spanked by this person what attract myself to her.also make me think she will spank me
October 14th, 2009 - 1:13 am
For what it is worth, I think it is just as bad to be on the other side and wanting to spank someone. Me I am just too shy to mention it, but it is like if I were to ask someone who maybe didn’t like the idea, it would enrage them and make them think I am mean or a pervert since I want to spank. On the other hand, most people who want to be spanked kinda want that feeling of being dominated. It seems to me asking if it is okay to spank them isn’t very “Dom-like”
That is just my observations of course and it is purely based on speculation.
October 14th, 2009 - 11:40 pm
Diet Coke, coffee and red wine are essential liquids.
October 15th, 2009 - 2:26 pm
Oh, Pixie, I have the hardest time asking for a spanking, even from someone who I know will give me one if there aren’t some extenuating circumstances.
I can look at the situation rationally and know that:
*he likes spanking in general
*he likes spanking me in particular
*he has said yes in the past when I have screwed up the courage to ask
*not asking for what I want & need leads to a very unhappy emma, and therefore usually an unhappy partner
… and still I find the whole prospect terrifying!
I think that I’m afraid of coming off as greedy because really, after all this time, I still have such a hard time imagining what the spanker is getting out of it as I’m just not wired to enjoy that end of things at all. Now… once a spanking has started I find it easier (though still intimidating) to provide some helpful hints as to the direction I’d like things to go
October 20th, 2009 - 7:58 pm
Hi Pixie,
I’ve only ever asked once, recently. Like most of your readers, I couldn’t do it verbally, so wrote her a letter and gave it to her while I made a cup of tea. The terror and anticipation of waiting, whilst knowing she was reading my letter, was quite something.
The outcome? Well, we talked about it. She has tried to help me find other solutions – hence I’m surfing the net now. On the other hand, she is still thinking about it, and every time i see her i get this frisson of expectation – is she going to pull me over her knee this time? Are my panties coming down?
She, is my big sister, brought up like me and with similar experience to draw on. She finds the idea a turn on, but so far not the reality. I live in hope.