It can be hard at times to find a compatible spanking play partner. Even within the spanking community, there are many preferences and variations in style that can cause two people that are very much into spanking not to be suitable partners.
* Are you a top seeking a bottom? A bottom seeking a top? A switch seeking another switch or a top or a bottom?
* Are you seeking a male or a female or maybe a couple? What age range are you seeking in a partner?
* Are you looking for discipline only? Erotic spankings? Sensual spankings? Role play? A little of everything?
* Do you want to give or receive super firm spankings with implements or milder ones?
The list of detailed traits can go on and on. And on. And on. Even though we may be a wonderful fairly cohesive community that share an interest in spanking, we are still a very diverse group. I think it makes things a lot more interesting that way, but it can make it a little trickier when seeking that ideal partner.
I receive emails every once in a while asking how to find a good spanking partner. I usually recommend several of the social networking websites, forums, and personal ad sites that are specific to the spanking interest. Some of the sites I may recommend are:
Shadow Lane
Happy Tails
World Spanking Forum
SIN – Spanko Personals
SpankFinder
SpankingNeeds
SpankingTherapy
FetLife
SpankoLife
Strictly Spanking NY
SCONY
FesRouge (French spanking forum)
Please let me know what other sites you might recommend and I will add them to the list.
I also suggest attending parties – either large well known gatherings like Shadow Lane, Florida Moonshine, Crimson Moon, and Texas All State or smaller local munches and get-togethers. Bigger parties mean more attendees and a greater chance of meeting someone that is compatible for play. Smaller local parties may be less overwhelming and most attendees are from the area making it easier to continue meeting regularly if you find someone you click with.
But what if you want more than just a play partner? If you are seeking a dating relationship or more but want that special someone to be a spanko as well? Again, I’d say to try the various online spanking social sites and parties as I’ve heard of many happy full relationships starting off by meeting through a spanking site and then realizing they have many vanilla common interests as well. Shadow Lane is particularly well known for their successful romantic connections!
Another idea if your goal is primarily to find someone to date and a possible life partner online is to go with the vanilla dating websites like Match.com. In addition to listing your vanilla interests, perhaps you could include a hint that you are into spanking. Something subtle that only another spanking enthusiast would pick up on. Spankos are everywhere so you never know!
Let me know what other websites you might suggest for finding play partners and / or spanking life partners. It would be great to have a comprehensive list of places that are recommended by fellow spankos.
Lots of other questions for you to ponder. If you are seeking a complete vanilla and spanking relationship, would you ever mention you spanking interest in your profile on a vanilla website? Would you seek a spanking partner that shares some vanilla interests or would you seek someone that is primarily compatible in vanilla ways and also shares the interest in spanking to some degree? If you’ve looked for a spanking play partner or mate online, what frustrations or successes have you encountered?
August 11th, 2009 - 8:27 pm
Forums are a good way to make new spanking friends as well. Even if they do not become play partners, you can get lots of good advice and make new friends.
August 11th, 2009 - 9:08 pm
i can enthusiastically recommend SCONY, or the spanking club of New York. It’s operated by Margaret Davis, who she runs a very tight ship and sponsors a lot of unusual activties, including taking over an entire Poconos resort for a long weekend every spring and fall. SCONY is ideal for people like me who are definitely spankos but still disconcerted and apprehensive about the whole leather masks, dungeons and cat o’ nine tails scene. Ms Davis looks more like the president of the local gardening club than a dominatrix. I always joke that I’m a vanilla spanko, but that’s who SCONY is for. Check her website.
Last year we even had a prom with a band and everything. Lots of joke song requests, of course, for them to play Mellencamp’s ‘Hurts so good’ or Benatar’s ‘Hit me with your best shot.’ Its goals and guidelines are on the site.
August 11th, 2009 - 9:46 pm
Pixie,
I’d be more than happy if you’d just join me for an ice cream cone..:)
I’ll pick some flowers for you.
August 12th, 2009 - 2:13 am
hi punkin,
sorry to go slightly off topic but as a master technophobe i feel compelled to offer non net advice.
no,…it would take too long. suffice to say that you don’t need the net to meet. there are more of us than anyone can imagine. repression keeps many from comming forth, but when kindred souls find each other …
it’s conversation that lets the truth out.
if you’re hung up on “he has to be a tall, slender, handsome professional,30-35 yrs. old with a time share on the riviera…”
or she has to be a 18-25 yrs old, 44 quadruple q cup, 18, 38. willing to work 40 hrs. a week at wallmart and have supper on time every day.
you deserve what you get.
it’s been my experiance that many more people have a need for spanking than we ever thot possible.
there is still the “i know i’m a pervert but i don’t want to marry one” syndrome.
now, for the first time, you can spank or be spanked and come home to show your partner….look ….we’re not alone.
i could go on and on. the net is wonderful but i wouldn’t depend on it when the one you seek is right around the corner.
good luck and good hunting,
ddon
August 12th, 2009 - 8:13 am
For French speaking people, I would recommand this forum about spanking at http://frpa.free.fr/forum/ . Not so many french speaking canadian woman… It is mostly from europe.
Small trick, add your region in the subject. It help a lot. And a good thing, it is fully free.
Found my actual partner there.
August 12th, 2009 - 8:50 am
Pixie,
As you know I am very involved in this topic having recently placed a few ads in “vanilla” sites and having just recently gotten a few replies … a couple which have some promise. Right now I have decided to try and find a person with simular interests who also has an interest or at least a positive opinion of my interests in being spanked. I have met one person who could be called a “closet spanko”. I have slowly spoken of spanking and related topics and the response has been positive and he has shown interest. I promise I will try and e-mail you personally with more details. LOL
Above all else I advise caution to the spankees (male or female) who answer ads since the word “spanking” means different things to different people and you don’t want to find yourself alone with someone who may be …. more intense? than what you are looking for. Have that friend you can check in with or hopefully introduce and have meet before you put total trust in them by finding yourself OTK with your bottom bared.
I’ll try and write you with more details later!!
Hugs,
Linde
August 12th, 2009 - 10:10 am
Found my spanking mentor and MY SIR on SpankFinder!
August 12th, 2009 - 10:43 am
pixie interesting post ,i chat on s.i.n. spanking community and British spanking.com which is very enjoyable try and join us sometime if you can love to chat to you ,love and spanks from tim xxxx
August 12th, 2009 - 12:47 pm
Hi Pixie,
Another site that I like is spankingneeds.com. I have made a few friends there and everyone seems friendly.
I guess I’m kinda slow, I’m still waiting for that special person to come to me, lol.
Chica
August 12th, 2009 - 5:50 pm
sorry,
the technophobe has a site. a vanilla one but huge and you can always mention spanking in your profile.
it’s plentyoffish.com. it’s free and it works. my oldest son found a long term relationship, and when that fizzled out, a wife. they presented me with my 4th grandbaby 4 months ago.
i still say cast your nets in nearby waters.
chica…get down from the ivory tower and mingle. they won’t find you if you’re not available.
good luck all,
ddon
August 12th, 2009 - 10:48 pm
I’m a firm believer that just widening your circle of friends and acquaintances will open up greater chances of meeting that special kinky someone. People know people and there are lots of folks in the spanking scene that love to play matchmaker. The more people you know, the better your opportunities for not only play but for romance.
(Just the two cents of someone who found true kinky love because someone decided to play matchmaker)
August 12th, 2009 - 11:06 pm
HI
Pixie
I have had some luck with spank finder some of your readers might give it a try.
August 13th, 2009 - 3:23 am
It would just be so much easier if Pixie or Lily Anna or Erica would be my spanking partner. Believe me, you could do a lot worse
August 13th, 2009 - 8:14 am
iam a bottom looking to find a female spanker and a female who would spank me
actually i think i may had finally found a female to spank me. after few years of trying she may finally be breaking down she suggest maybe for labor day and said we will talk about it when i said where i told her few week after my brithday that it was my brithday then told her i been wanting and would had ask her if she want give me a birthday spanking she laugh then said maybe next year. then she said maybe for next hoilday then reember labor day next holiday
so iam hopping she really serious of doing it and i will finally get spanked by her another thing is i never been spanked by her so going be first time and have no idea how she going do it and how it going feel getting spanked by her. so i am nervous and happy all same time
last thing is i may tell her to do it long and hard to make me regret asking her to spank me or give me a spanking lol hopping it not oging be first or last time she spank me
August 13th, 2009 - 8:57 am
You do need to get out and mix to find your spanking partners and friends; like in the vanilla world, you have to get out and socialise and learn through experience. Some people out there are lovely others are not.
At the moment I am hoping to get out more, but I do have asperger’s syndrome, so my social skills and self esteem are very low. If anyone can recommend spanking personals for those with aspergers I would be a very happy man
lol
Seriously, it is a matter of getting out there trying the websites and forums (isn’t there a UK club called Peaches or something)? Like anything it coss money but get on the sites and get out and socialise.
If anyone has any experience with Peaches in the UK I would love to know.
I would sayI was a switch looking for another switch of either age or gender, with a view to something more than spanking partner.
Happy spankings all!
August 13th, 2009 - 6:01 pm
spankingneeds.com is an interesting site that has a lot of networking opportunities, but it is more discipline oriented, and set up for newbies.
Parties are definitely a wonderful way to network, and I’ve met a number of people simply through my blog.
August 13th, 2009 - 6:33 pm
I definitely don’t live in an ivory tower, lol. It’s more that I am painfully shy. But, the good news is I’m starting to step out of my box.
It might just take some time.
August 13th, 2009 - 9:04 pm
I just simply got very lucky. It’s fun to play with someone you can trust. I love it but can be hesitant about implements. Talking about it is not so easy either because I really haven’t shared this side of me very much just yet.
August 13th, 2009 - 9:06 pm
Other sites are:
spankingtherapy.org
spankingneeds.com
spankfinder
LR
August 14th, 2009 - 12:03 am
for chica,
painfully shy and ivory towers are pretty much the same thing.
good that you are getting out.
remember you have every advantage over the poor guy you are interested in. whether you know him or he is a stranger across a crowded room. all he can do is reject you and guess what, i’ll bet the ranch you don’t get 10 rejections.
then it’s up to you to get him interested in spanking. but i’ll bet you do it.
cause for paws,
ddon
August 14th, 2009 - 12:25 am
Sorry, but speaking as someone who has also coped with painful shyness, it is NOT synonymous with living in an ivory tower. The expression “ivory tower” implies snobbishness and condescension, people who think they’re smarter and better and above others.
Telling someone who is painfully shy to get over it is an oversimplification and a borderline insult.
Stepping off my soapbox now… Sorry, Pixie.
Regarding the topic — I agree, finding compatibility is challenging. There are tons of spankers and spankees out there, but making that connection and having enough commonalities for mutual enjoyment can seem daunting. I personally don’t believe there is “the one” who can meet all of one’s needs, but that’s just me.
My suggestion? Join everything. Not just one or two of the sites mentioned; join ALL of them. And post on them. Women? Place ads, and answer the ones that men post. I met my first spanker ever by answering his ad. And I met my bf of 13 years by placing my own ad.
Oh, and one more thing… don’t settle. It may seem discouraging sometimes, looking for that special spark and chemistry, but if it isn’t there, move on and keep trying. Your desires are worth the effort.
August 14th, 2009 - 12:26 am
I have to thank Tony Elka of Shadowlane for introducing me to my wife/spanking partner. We met just before the first Shadowlane party and dated for 4 years before I proposed to her. We’ve been happily married (spanking and otherwise) for 13 years now.
Charlie
August 14th, 2009 - 1:33 am
Hi,
I just wanted you to know that your latest scene on PB is the best scene I’ve seen on any site in a long time. Great job!!!
August 14th, 2009 - 1:56 am
Spank Finder looked interesting so I thought I’d register and see what happens. Of course I almost fell asleep looking at my profile. Maybe someone will spank me for being boring.
August 14th, 2009 - 9:29 am
Pixie wow you received a good tanning with the strap how could anyone be so mean to our little pixie girl //////? shall watch Richards raffle vid result and hope you win something you deserve it cutie for what you and lily Anna have done for the animals ,if i win anything it is yours spanking panties to wear etc .love and spanks from tim xxxx
August 14th, 2009 - 10:49 am
Several years ago, I answered an ad from a woman in my vicinity, had about a three month e-mail conversation and connected. At the time we were both married, thought we didn’t want to jeopardize that. She had fantasized about spanking since childhood as a receiver but had not done anything about it and she was 42. I, a switch, had, with the exception of a long hiatus during that marriage, been playing since childhood. What ended up happening is that we built a strong enough foundation through the e-mail conversations that, we developed an emotionally intense, sexually (and spankingly) mutually more than satisfactory relationship that lasted for four years, ended my marriage and changed hers. Since then, also through an e-mail connection, on one of the groups I belong to, had about a year’s relationship that was good but less intense and easier to separate from.
I go to parties when I can, am on various groups, know many in the scene, but don’t have any regular playmate nor the LTR I’m looking for, because the finding both the emotional connections, compatible interests and the similarly shared feelings for what you want — shared views of spanking for play, fun, sensuality, eroticism and sexual stimulation and not punishment, discipline or the like — is not easy to find and my gerontological track is running short.
But what I find now is that once there were a few outlets, there is an overwhelming number blogs, groups, chats, personal ad places. One could spend all of one’s life on the net and I, for one, however much I do want to make that connection, can’t afford that much compulsive time.
Once it was a matter of scarcity. Now it’s a matter of more than you can handle and ferreting out the ones you really might connect with. It isn’t easy.
August 14th, 2009 - 11:03 am
Redchief – I love forums. I used to be a lot more active on a couple of them and made great friends. Some are ones that I only ever got to talk to online and others I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in real life like Richard.
Isolde – Oh yes, SCONY. I will be sure to add them. I’ve heard they throw delightful parties and I would love to attend the spanking weekend in the woods. Unfortunately I’m not sure if I could ever attend SCONY as I think they are cautious about allowing anyone that’s worked in the industry to attend.
dani – Now that would be very sweet. Good innocent fun.
ddon – No, you don’t need the net to meet, but then we are discussing these things on this blog which is on the internet and many of us do use the net as a starting point to meet other spankos. It’s much, much harder to meet a fellow spanko in the grocery line. Not impossible, but definitely harder. The internet allows you to find others that enjoy the same interests as you without having to risk totally outting yourself to a vanilla who may judge you harshly. Even personals sites aside, you can find out about in person gatherings, possibly exchange emails and messages with others that are also attending, and then get to meet people face-to-face for lots of conversation.
Zarathoustra – Very nice. I will add that to the list with a note that it is in French.
Linde – Excellent point about taking safety precautions. I think you always want to make sure there is a safety for you even if it is a total vanilla meet up. You just never know. But then when you add in making yourself physically vulnerable, then it’s even more important.
Scunge – That’s wonderful!! That’s definitely going on the list.
tim – I lurk on SIN occassionally, but never go in the chat rooms.
Chica – Take your time. If you rush, you are more likely to end up in a situation you could regret. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by making friends and as long as you continue to interact, I’m sure eventually you’ll find that special someone.
ddon – Thanks. I’ll consider making a separate category for vanilla dating sites. If I do, I’ll add plentyoffish. I don’t think Chica was saying she was in an ivory tower. I think she is just taking her time in meeting people on spankingneeds – friends first – while still looking for someone special.
Rad – wonderul way of doing it. And clearly matchmaking works!!
Jack – Good recommendation.
DanN – Awww. Sweet.
MikeP38 – I hope that all works out for you.
Phil – Very true that you meet people that are great and others that aren’t. And although it’s hard, you have to try to not let the negative experiences get you down to the point that you give up. I’m not familiar with Peaches, but hopefully someone else might be.
Keagen – For some reason, I can’t pull the site up right now, but it sounds like a good one. Parties are a ton of fun. I do like to get to know at least a few people through online networking first so that I feel like there is a friendly and familiar face in the crowd.
Chica – I totally understand what it’s like to be shy. It makes things so much more difficult because not only do you have to overcome your own insecurities, but others can misinterpret your shyness. Just take your time and ease into things. You don’t want to become overwhelmed.
2Good – Yes, I think you are indeed a very lucky girl! Very deserving too. Errr … of being lucky that is. Well, probably deserving of a nice spanking or two as well.
LR – Thank you!
ddon – Like Erica said, I don’t think that’s they same at all. I don’t think you mean it the way it sounds (I hope), but being shy does not mean that you are in an ivory tower. It usually means quite the opposite. You are so nervous and uncertain and panic stricken in a crowd that you are terrified to reach out. You aren’t looking down from an ivory tower, you are locking yourself in a dungeon down below. I am saying this from my own perspective as one who (believe it or not) struggles terribly with shyness.
I think social interactions and parties are probably a bit daunting for us all no matter what degree of shyness we experience. As in your example, it may be hard for the guy being approached too.
Erica – No apolgies needed.
Wonderful advice too. It does take time and effort, but you never know what amazing connections may come of it.
Charlie – Fantastic!! I love hearing such love tales.
T – Thank you!!
Joe – You are too cute. It can truly be hard to think of what to include in a profile.
tim – Well, I was pretty snotty to Veronica. I loved that I had the chance to act up before getting punished. Good luck with the raffle.
Curtis G – I think even within the last few years the community has really ballooned. I’m thankful for all of the opportunities, but indeed you could end up spending way more time than is good for anyone playing online. But as long as you can find that balance, which it sounds like you do, it is definitely a good thing. I wish you much luck in continuing to meet new friends.
August 15th, 2009 - 1:41 am
Dear Pixie,
I found the love of my life at a Crimson Moon party in Chicago. It took a few years after we first met to get to that stage, of course, but it just proves that it CAN happen!
it’s almost 9 years now since she passed away. I miss her to this day. At the same time, I try to keep myself open to the possibility of it happening again.
Dr. Ken
August 15th, 2009 - 7:39 am
pixie another forum chat one is british spanking.com which is a good one ,another was spankatropolis . com but it seems to be away at the moment ,pixie if i do win anything in the raffle i want you to have it for you and lily Annas cause which is so worthwhile ,if i get the spanking panties they are for you ,anyway shall watch richards vid .to watch the results when ready and hope you win something sweetie ,love and spanks from tim xxxx
August 15th, 2009 - 1:46 pm
[...] th erest of Pixie’s advice at here SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “So, you can’t find that special spanker or spankee?”, url: [...]
August 16th, 2009 - 7:37 am
pIXIE SORRY YOU DIDNT WIN IN THE RAFFLE BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME ,I TRIED TO DONATE TO YOUR CAUSE BUT PAYPAL DIDNT HELP ITS ANNOYING FOR BOTH YOU GIRLS AND I WHO WANTED TO HELP ,LOVE AND SPANKS FROM TIM XXXX
August 16th, 2009 - 7:53 am
Dr. Ken – I hope that the magic does happen for you again. You are such a sweet guy. A lovely, naughty lady would be very lucky to have you as her partner.
tim – Thanks for hoping that the raffle would work out. But if you’d really like to donate to the Cause for Paws, you do not have to use the sometimes tricky PayPal. You can send a contribution by old fashioned mail. The mailing address is on the Cause for Paws post. You can send a small amount of cash, a checke, or anonymous money order if you’d prefer and mail it off.
August 16th, 2009 - 2:11 pm
Hi Pixie…
If you read french (I know you don’t…) try Discipline Domestique…
A great one…
Greetings from Paris, France.
August 19th, 2009 - 5:53 am
this post is at it’s end so with caution i’ll try and redeem myself.
chica,
the ivory tower was only a simple metaphor. i only meant isolating yourself from fear or insecurity or anything else.
i never intended to imply that you can “get over this”. you can’t, not quickly. one step at a time is the only way….but…there are tricks..
remember dumbo and timothy and the magick feather?? find your own feather. if you fall…stuff happens. try again.
always remember that you have every advantage over the poor guy who is trying to get to know you. all he can do [unless he looks like brad pitt] is fall all over his feet [if he is as shy as your are] or show his slimeball self. you are in controll.
and whoever said you have to connect with your true love? how about just finding new friends??? guess where the matchmakers are??
anyway, i wish you the best. she who dares wins. and a good sense of humour is the best asset you’ll ever have. good luck and god bless.
don’t forget to give all of us the wonderfull report.
oh & i do luv you, honest,
ddon