Naomi – You’re right that the relationship between the spanker and spankee makes a big difference. I too would be far more likely to submit or compromise with someone I have a deeper relationship with (my husband, a trusted mentor, etc) as opposed to someone I just met at a party or am asked to shoot a scene with. My reaction to the same limit pushing would be very different depending on who was doing the pushing.

007 – True enough. The first time you’re playing, it can be extra difficult to determine what’s ok and what isn’t. Especially when meeting at a social gathering and then only having a short time to discuss preferences, it can feel like there is so much to worry about in trying to guess what the other person is comfortable with. Yes, you can ask along the way “is it ok to take your panties down?”, “are you doing ok, can I spank a little harder?”, “do you mind if I rub your bottom for a while?”. The play may feel a bit stiff and stilted, but it’s better than crossing a line without knowing it. Feedback is vital!

Funbun – Yep, and I guess just like any relationship or partnership, sometimes people just aren’t 100% compatible. Even within the group of us spanking enthusiasts, there are many variations in preference and for example, a person seeking just a few light pats and much rubbing for a sensual spanking probably wouldn’t pair up well with a spanker that preferred to deliver intense, strict disciplinary spankings. Has to be a pretty good match to start with and then communication from both parties throughout.

As for the attraction to elderly men?? I’m not sure. I think there is often a sense that older men may be more practiced and experienced and the age difference lends itself naturally to the sort of power exhange that occurs during a spanking. The definition of an older man I think is relative to the spankee, but I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say elderly though.

Steve – The spanker has a lot of responsibility resting on his/her shoulders. Although it’s the spankee that’s getting his/her bottom smacked, the spanker has a tough (yet rather enjoyable) job.

Terri – Safe words are vital! Very good point too about the spankee needing to feel emotional and psychological safety as well as physical safety. Without even meaning to harm, words can sometimes hurt more than the spanking itself.

dana – Yes, I’d hope that for most spankers that doing something that truly made the spankee upset wouldn’t be a pleasurable experience. As a spankee, I try to be mindful of what the spanker’s limits might be as well. It’s tough to guess and sometimes awkward to ask outright. Does the spanker want bratty banter and lots of reaction or a quiet submissive who maintains position without so much as a reminder?

D – My husband, thankfully, isn’t one to hit the thighs at all, but if he did, I wouldn’t have a problem in speaking up and asking for it to stop. It’s more of my experience in doing scenes and in meeting people at parties that like to hit low that brought up this topic. It’s actually less clear to me where the spanker’s right to his preferences end and my own begin when it’s not within the context of a close relationship.

At PB, we tell the girls what to expect when they are hired as far as intensity, implements, number of scenes, etc. Everyone is given a safeword and while we want to challenge them so as to give a genuine disciplinary spanking, their limits are respected. That being said, if a girl isn’t up for taking an actual spanking (we have been asked before if the spanking can be faked and blush applied to the bottom for color for example) or too many other limits that would compromise the quality of the content, then it’s not going to be a good fit and we’ll have to pass.

Naughty_Ney – Sometimes you get away with it and sometimes you pay the price?

Mr. K – Great style of questions to ask to stay in the role but still get a feel for how the spankee is doing.

Dr. Ken – I think the spanks to the backs of my thighs are a semi-hard (and growing firmer) limit for me. I’m not fond of it and as I said, I am fearful of it after experiencing icky nerve tingling all the way down to my toes following a few thigh punishments. Still, some spankers like to go for the thighs knowing it will get a reaction from me … it just may not be the reaction they are looking for. But when I’m in the moment and over someone’s lap getting spanked, I’m not sure what’s appropriate unless it’s a clear and deliberate violation. How much do I give in to ensure the spanker has his needs met and how much do I control so as to make sure that I’m not left feeling pushed too far and uncomfortable.

Annapurna – I guess it boils down to the fact that it sometimes can be a gray area between pushing limits and ignoring them. Trust and time make it a little clearer. The bottom having no say at all would indeed be a little too intense and bordering on non-consensual for my personal taste as well.

Erica – “Yes, I really do like the spanker to be happy!” Whoops. The secret is out. I suppose it really is best to be upfront about limits and stand firm on the hard ones or else it’s not going to be much fun for either person in the end.

TigerLily – I agree that when you get to the point that you can truly trust, give up a little control, and feel safe rather than guarded, that is the best experience. It may be a little bit of a bumpy road along the way, but when you finally can achieve that level of mutual trust, it’s a beautiful thing.

justme – I’m with you and I wish it were always that way.

tim – Glad you’re enjoying the latest updates. Great to have Susan back.

^Mike – Yes, I suppose it is best to err on the side of caution and allow the recipient to set the limits until a deeper trust is developed. Better safe than sorry!!

Keagen – In your on camera experience, have you ever had it occur that you were asked to do something or had something happen to you that you were really not comfortable with? I don’t mean as far as physical intensity because I know that you have a tolerance that is out of this world, but rather a scenario or technique that wasn’t ok with you. Are you completely comfortable in setting any limits or do you feel that you should endure things that you normally wouldn’t in private play since you are being hired to perform? This is something that I sometimes struggle with so I’d love to hear your experiences.

Maitresse – That’s good. I’m glad that communicating limits wouldn’t be perceived as a negative. I’d just want to make sure that the spanker’s needs were being met too if at all possible.

Schwarz – Such a delicate balance. I prefer when I feel I can literally put myself in the hands of the spanker and give up that control knowing that I’m still going to be safe. I think the roles and responsibilities of the top are often undestimated. It’s about so much more than just smacking a bottom. The spanker has quite a lot to do in reading the needs of the spankee while setting the tone and delivering a good spanking.

Poppa Mark – Very well put! Definitely enjoy the ride.

So yeah, the top should have charge as well as an understanding and caring attitude for the bottom.

“Bottoms up” LOL

In my experience, even “hard limits” can often be overcome with communication and imagination: Someone can come to actually enjoy a previously “hated” or “feared” implement or practice; a spanko can get a vanilla to accept spanking – as long as both are willing to compromise – until today’s “No way” becomes tomorrow’s “OK,” and eventually, perhaps, the other party even initiates the activity. But the vanilla will probably never be quite as enthusiastic a partner as would another spanko and, if communication isn’t maintained or the couple really aren’t compatible, a plaintive “please don’t spank me” can easily develop into “DON’T… SPANK… ME!” (never words we want to hear).

Initially, though, I think both the bottom in a play scene (especially at a party), and the model in a video scene make the final decisions regarding what is or isn’t permissible (the latter within professional bounds). Until the parties involved get to know one another better, how could the vital element of trust honestly be present?