Spanking can be fun. Spanking can be erotic. Spanking can be used for discipline. But no matter what, it should always, ALWAYS be safe. Unfortunately, sometimes things go wrong.
Back when I first discovered the vast spanking community online, I made some pretty poor decisions due to naivety and being overly eager to connect with fellow spankos. Most times I was fortunate and nothing terrible came of it, but on one very scary, unfortunate occasion, I learned the hard way why it’s important to always put safety first. Not establishing a safeword and boundaries (though in this instance I’m not sure they would have been honored) and not getting to know the other person well enough before agreeing to meet privately were huge mistakes. Trust me, I more than learned my lesson though.
What are some safety tips that you’d offer to someone looking to meet and/or play for the first time? Any valuable lessons you can share or things you wish you could have known or done differently the first time around?
September 5th, 2008 - 9:54 pm
I don’t know if my point of view as a Top is what you’re looking for (probably not) but there are a couple of things that come to mind.
1. Meet publicly before you decide on play. You can learn a lot about someone during dinner conversation that you can’t via email, IM or phone conversations. Err on the side of caution if something about the other person doesn’t sit well with you.
2. If at all possible, meet for play at a party or club the first time rather than in private. A person is much safer with others nearby than in a situation where they are alone with the other person.
3. Communicate what you want. Don’t rely on the other person’s intuition about what sort of scene or play you might want. Spell it out from the beginning and make sure they know you are serious. It avoids misunderstandings, faux pas and disasters.
September 5th, 2008 - 10:04 pm
“I don’t know if my point of view as a Top is what you’re looking for (probably not)”
It absolutely is what I’m looking for and I’m very happy to have your input. Safety is for everyone – top, bottom, switch.
September 5th, 2008 - 11:31 pm
Well, I can say that I can relate to you as far as making poor decisions and having a (few) bad experience(s). I was young also…young, curious, naive, impatient and in a major hurry. This one instance is what woke me up and made me realize how truly stupid I was being. To make a long story short…I met a guy online and found out he was very close to me in proximity. We both rushed it and I met him just a few short days later in MY home. Let me tell you, HUGE mistake on my end. I had laid out all of things that I wanted along with what I didn’t want. Lets just say…it went all wrong and he didn’t listen to a word I had said. It scared me to death and I was so glad when he left. You live and you learn I guess.
My best advice is basically what Radagast said. Get to know them online and on the phone first! Certainly make sure you lay everything on the table from the very beginning and don’t be meek about it…this is one area that you DO NOT want to be submissive, in my opinion. And yes, meet publicly…that is your best bet to get a feel out for the other person (be you a Top or a bottom). Always go with your gut feeling, never act hastily. If you are truly comfortable with the other person then go for it! Have a great time, and perhaps blog about it for the world to see and enjoy later!
Be safe,
*Kimmie*
September 6th, 2008 - 2:15 am
I’m probably just reiterating what’s already been said, but–
Take your time. Don’t rush into anything. The very first time I met with someone for play, we had exchanged letters for a few months (you read that right, MONTHS) and then talked on the phone for a few months more. When I finally flew out to meet her, she met me at the airport, we went to dinner and talked for a few hours, then went back to her apartment and talked even more. She was, of course, doing her best to make sure that the person she had gotten to know from letters and phone calls was saying and meaning the same things now that he was actually there in person. We finally played and had a great time. I did some things right, probably one or two things wrong (nothing that was a deal breaker, thankfully. And now, 20 or so years later, she’s still a friend.
I also recommend playing at a Spanking Party for your first encounter. For one thing, there’s safety in numbers–it may be hard to convince yourself to play in a room with other people around, but people will look out for you and aid you, if needed. Plus, you can network and talk to others openly about spanking without feeling weird about it. And you can network and use the grapevine–if you’re a female bottom looking for her first spanking, ask the other ladies who they would recommend that you play with. You can ask the party organizers the same question.
I’m proud to say that, within the Chicago Crimson Moon group, my name is one that is frequently recommended to first-timers. It’s a good reputation to have, and I wouldn’t jeopardize it for anything….
If it’s your first spanking ever, stick to hand-spanking. There’s time to try implements later.
Have a safeword, and don’t be afraid to use it.
When you do experience an implement for the first time, set a limit on the number of swats or strokes you receive. If you like the feeling the implement imparts, you can always raise the limit (or eliminate it) later.
And there will be a “later”. It’s unlikely that this is the only spanking you’re ever going to get, so don’t feel like you have to do and experience everything RIGHT NOW…..
Just some thoughts….
Dr. Ken
September 6th, 2008 - 5:10 am
I think it best that female bottoms/subs give advice to other females, so my reply is aimed at the boys.
I was very, very lucky in finding my first two tops (a well experienced, double top, lesbian couple). Until I heard some horror stories from other guys, later on, I did not realize that I had had the male bottom equivalent of a big lottery win. The big problem with women (especially when they are young and good looking) is that guys tend to agree with them even when they are wrong. This can often lead to a level of confidence in their abilities that their level of experience cannot match.
I would recommend two things to a guy starting off.
1/ Find and employ the services of an experienced professional Disciplinarian or BDSM Mistress, make it clear to her that it is your first time and if possible try to find one that is recommended by other guys. It is expensive and it is seriously hard to step through that door for the first time but it is the only way to ensure that you are playing with someone who knows what they are doing and will help you know the difference between a good spanking and a play that you should walk away from. Even for couples, exploring for the first time, I have never heard of a Disciplinarian that has had a problem with the spankee’s partner coming along to watch and pick up some tricks and tips. In the UK there are even some Disciplinarians running courses for couples and singles, I have never been on one of these but they sound like a very good idea to me.
Even a lot of guys who want to play softly end up wanting it harder later on and as guys have less than half the nerve endings than a woman, that can mean a very hard force of strike and it is important that you know when a less experienced woman is heading towards a danger zone and have the ability to instruct her to get back to the safer areas.
2/Gather information. Read all you can. Not the fantasy stuff but the practical instruction material. There is plenty of material out there if you look for it, both on the internet and in books. You can never know too much about this so find out all that you can.
As a foot note, any guy who is a natural bottom must find a way to play. Having tried to give it up over a three year period I can say from personal experience, that not satisfying your needs will lead to some serious social and psychological problems that no drugs or other treatments will be able to cure. It was a professional psychologist that, after seeing her for a long period, recommended that I resumed playing, she was right.
Prefectdt
September 6th, 2008 - 7:10 am
Pixie,
Radagast is right on the money.
Another thing, pay attention to the Tops behavior, while you meet in the public place. How do they treat the wait staff and other people in service to them. An abundance of arrogance here is a good indicator of a bad time for the bottom later.
It has always flabbergasted me that some bottoms would go off to a private room to let someone beat their rear-end with less checking out than they would do for someone to sit with their pet.
September 6th, 2008 - 8:36 am
Pixie,
I can certainly understand your eagerness to join the community of other spankos. Reading comments (especially ones written to you) has been such a source of happiness for me. You already know that I think you’re a nice person…want you to play safe!
September 6th, 2008 - 3:17 pm
I think that the comments here are very good.
One of the great challenges for both men and women is meeting people. At least in my case I was entirely ignored when I posted personal ads. My women friends who have posted ads have been deluged, but the responses abusive in many cases. One woman friend did find someone who sounded good, but he only wanted to use spanking got get sexual activity, which she was upfront about not wanting. My stories site, in fact, started out as a rather elaborate personal ad.
I can only speak from the perspective of a male top. I only spank people who are friends. I have gotten to know the women I have met. I try to learn about them, not only what their spanking fantasies are, but what they are like as people. This is time consuming. I always have done a phone call before we met. I have frequently met them from lunch before playing (although there have been some notable exceptions). There have been a few relationships that I have had to break off. Of the women I have met, I have been fortunate that they have all been wonderful people. Smart, intelligent and considerate. So make sure that at a minimum the person you play with is someone you like. I look at spanking as something I do with intimate friends who have a shared interest. I open up a part of myself to them that few see. Spanking is a fast path to the core of who I am. I don’t want to share that with someone who I don’t like as a friend.
September 6th, 2008 - 6:59 pm
I echo the advice of meeting in a public place first. And I suggest coffee/tea/soda instead of a drink; alcohol can sometimes blur judgment on both sides.
Trust your instincts; pay heed to your inner voice. If something, anything sends up a red flag with you, pay attention to that. A lot of people new in the scene (heck, a lot of people, period) feel like it’s “polite” to go ahead and play with someone, even though they don’t really want to. This person came all this way, they made such-and-such efforts, blah blah blah. Doesn’t matter. If you don’t feel the chemistry, the right vibe, whatever you want to call it, you do not need to follow through with a session. Simply smile, say thanks for meeting with me, express your regrets and leave.
September 6th, 2008 - 9:08 pm
Good question. A good idea is to talk to others that have played with the person you’re interested in. That actually can be easier to do than some might think… if you’re active in certain online communities. Shadow Lane is a good example. If you’re active with that group, trust me… you’ll hear about those with bad reputations.
Also would say… never rush, pay attention to what they say and ask lots of questions. Trust that little voice in your head too.
Will add… tops need to be careful too. Have made mistakes myself there… almost always because I went too fast. It’s not as dangerous (typically) but it still can be awful unpleasant to find yourself dealing with half a nut job.
Todd
September 7th, 2008 - 10:09 am
PIXIE A NICE BONUS TO SEE CHLOE AND YOUR LOVELY SELF ON THE PIXIES PREVIEWS PREVIEW VIDEO LOVE FROM TIM
September 8th, 2008 - 4:52 pm
Thank you for starting a most informative and helpful discussion – I hope it will have been of more than academic interest to many; there are so many dangers, and so much risk. Knowledge and trust must play an enormous part! Just one mistake could be so costly!
September 8th, 2008 - 8:29 pm
Thank you to everyone who left such excellent advice on safety for first time encounters. I wish I had gotten (and heeded) these recommendations before I managed to get myself in a bad situation.
My experience was similar to Kimmie’s in that I rushed in, allowed the spanker to come to my place, and put myself in a very bad position which the guy took full advantage of. Left me hurt both physically and emotionally. I’m thankful that it didn’t scare me off entirely!
No matter whether you are the spanker, spankee, male, female, older, younger, whatever, caution and patience are always key. You never know what might happen so be careful.
September 11th, 2008 - 12:19 pm
Hi everyone, I’m a male switch, but even I would not meet anyone privately,if I haven’t had any prior experience with them. Personally speaking, I have found joing a spanking group to be the safest way to meet like-minded spanko play partners. This gives newbies the opportunity to get to know prospective play partners in a safe setting. Also, the ladies can and usually do confide with each other on the best spanker to play with at their experience level. And don’t forget to get valuable input from the host/hostess; he or she can help a new member to find a suitable play partner.
When I sometimes play as a top, there is usually a different female bottom that will ask me to play with them at the next party. So, word of mouth can lead to a desirable play partner. If your apprehensive about play partners, its best to seek out a service top that doesn’t mind a bottom that wants to top from the bottom. The bottom gets what she or he wants, and the top gets to know the bottoms preferences. After all, good communication betweeen the top and bottom can lead to a very satisfying session.
Spank you later…George S.
September 11th, 2008 - 8:14 pm
I just recently started shooting some spanking videos and I’m really surprised about how eager and willing girls are to meet with me for a spanking video. When I shoot I usually like to have two or more female models on a shoot and I usually hear the girls to talk about bad experiences with photographers, filmmakers, dom’s and others meeting through Craigslist and other sites. Despite that I consistently get girls who are young and wana get spanked and will meet me no matter what. I usually talk to them about how it can be kind of dangerous and the importance of safe words and letting someone else know where you are and what you are doing but girls are young, ambitious and don’t want to wait they want to get spanked ASAP. Afterward I always feel nervous for those girls and I hope they take my advice about being really careful.