pixie, talking about being prudent as what to tell to whom and what to keep secret. when i first posted on your blog, i had been a reader of it for quite a while. i did not post, because of those keep secret issues. i was contemplating to write some of my ‘witty posts’ and insert a nickname that has nothing to do with me, or a fake e-mail address. but that would be a lie. so i posted an address that actually is my e-mail address. oh my goad! the risk.
i figured however, that even if you would start black-mailing me – which you of course never would, but tell that my paranoia – what have i to lose. i live in a conservative catholic community in germany, and already am the enfant terrible in my neighborhood. working outside business hours, sleeping all mornings to noon, travelling for my line of work often for many days, and than the mystery how i do make a living. some of them know, some of them gossip. being a shaman is not always funny.
so if they heard, their shaman neighbor is into spankings, i figured, it would not surprise them at all.

ok, i am shutting up now. for real. for today.

off to spanking tube to get something productive done

both, in online-life and real life i feel like lies are amongst the worst offenses. they should be punished with a disciplinary and no fun detention and spanking. that being said i have to cut you a slag however. by not telling your now husbands family and your own family the truth about your spanko-inclinations, you are not mainly deflecting potential harm from you alone, but from them as well.

first things first however. your choice of life style and/or sexuality is your and yours alone. if you get off by being spanked, it is none but yours and your spankers business. imagine if we talked another kink, and lets get graphic, eating scat. i cannot picture how you would break those news conveniently to your family maybe over a dinner? these things are private for a good reason. now you are in the wonderful position – while you may disagree when over someones knee, teehee – that you are not working in some kind of job that just pays your bills, but can work in the environment you find the greatest pleasure in. that pleasant job happens to be mangled with your most intimate life and thereby by definition is not other peoples business, unless you want them to be – like us, your fans -
if i get parents right, that is parents worth the name, all they wish for their children is to be happy. they want them to have jobs they like and make it through life just fine. this holds truth for you, as you found your thing and are successful with it.

many people do not understand or even yet support spankings as a personal choice of happiness. if confronted with something people dont fully understand, often fear and despise is created. than comes in the deamons named guild and shame.

when you dont tell your family about your kinky life style, you are sparing them guilt, shame, distress, fear and disunderstanding. you are sparing yourself and your hubby many awkward conversations and moments. although you could still be doing self-guilt-trips along the lines that you are lying to them, even i, a dedicated truth lover will disagree vividly. you are NOT lying at all.

i have been reading your blog and some interviews in the past. you have mentioned that you often have issues with self-esteem. i even suggest, that your feeling guilty or bad about lying in this case is only another surface mask of the same underlaying problem. in fact there are no sins. in fact there is no guilt. in fact there is little reason for shame in our world and none whatsoever in your case. there is responsibility. the more responsibility you take, the more power you get, the more power you get the more responsibility you have. this is the two sides of the sword.

by sparing your people the details of your very most private life, that on top is harboring the danger of offending those very loved ones, you are taking responsibility. therefore you are in power, and therefore you need not to appologise nor feel bad what so ever. it might be a strange concept within the spanking and or bdsm community, but there is no control, control is an illusion. there is no guilt, only responsibility. you are acting in the best interest of yourself, your hubby and your family involved. i see nothing wrong with that at all.

on the contrary, i compliment you on your powerful resposnible and sensitive approach. please stop feeling bad, for being the gracious,, wonderful person you display to be. please dont have false gods and preachers of self-hate feel you otherwise.

last and not least, i have to say that confining to vanilla people was very couragous of you and you are lucky these people did not turn your trust into debris. i for one used to tell my pals in my early 20s about my kink, and i had gotten reactions from despise to disbelief, was labeled a pervert, ridicolouled and made feel odd at any level.

i stopped talking to vanillas about that. i talk to them about everything and even about sexual stuff, just not bringing up the bdsm or spanking parts. when the topic comes up, i say ‘to each their own, i guess’ and even that liberal attitude strikes many of them as odd and strange.

hope you are sound asleep by now – sorry for my long rant, i felt i needed to talk.

ps: forgive me for typing without capitals, my shift-key isnt working – maybe it got stuck after i got all too excited watching you getting spanked *insert girlish giggle*

all the best
tom

I do feel guilty about lying to them. I’ve considered coming clean a couple of times – I know they probably suspect that I’m doing more sexy or kinky stuff than I admit to, they’re smart people. They know I’m kinky in my private life – they found that out when I was 16, reading something online that really shouldn’t have been public. Their attitude has always been that as long as I’m safe and happy, they’d rather not know. And I respect that. If they’re indulging in spanking play or having debauched parties with their friends I’d rather not know about that either!

I was chatting to a photographer couple on a recent shoot who reminded me very much of my own parents. The same age, the same career and social background. We were talking about privacy, what they keep from their teenage kids and what I keep from my parents. They told me I was absolutely right to not tell my mum and dad what I do. My reason for not telling them has always been that no matter how well I explained, they would *never* believe I was doing something safe. To go to see people I’ve only spoken to online or on the phone, to be beaten by them … they would just worry, endlessly, if they knew. And it’s not fair of me to put them through it. It would be selfish of me to tell them as a way of assuaging my own guilt. Not telling them is absolutely the best course of action, and if I feel rough about being dishonest, that’s my problem that I need to deal with. It just wouldn’t be fair of me to put it on them.

Of course, every family is different, and I know some spanking models who have their parents’ full knowledge and support. I envy it, a little, but there’s no point wishing your parents were different people. I am very lucky in mine for other reasons, and I think I just have to accept that this is something I’m never going to be able to share with them.

Prefectdt – That is a very amusing story, though understandably frustrating. At least you don’t have to fib at all and can head out with a clear conscience.

Dan – If there is going to be a cultural spanking revolution, I sure hope I’m around for it!

007 – Too funny. I can only imagine what my penance might be …

Javi – Definitely no malicious intent, just a little awkward when I need to keep coming up with excuses for my whereabouts when out of town for spankystuff. I just stink at lying but I know it’s best and I also need to be able to keep some aspects of my life to myself … spanking fun being one of them.

Jeff – If a friend or relative were to run across a DVD or the site, it would be pretty hard to deny that it was me. At that point I would have no choice to admit what I do, but I’m hopeful it won’t come to that. A friend might be a little easier to explain things to than a family member. I have to say that so far those friends of mine that I’ve told (and it’s a pretty decent number) have all been cool with it. Just not sure if family members would be the same.

B – I bet you saw a lot of high-tech gadgets that you could tell a few stories about at the AVC. I’m not sure if I’ll come out entirely. At least for now, halway out is pretty comfy.

Anonymous – My friends have been great and have proven to be very understanding and supportive. Their only initial concern was I in any danger or purposely putting myself in harm’s way. But they’ve known for years now and are just wonderful about it. My one friend even helps out with shoots by loaning clothes or props as needed.

Todd & Suzy – that would be a vicious cycle, wouldn’t it. Spanking -> guilt -> spanking -> guilt. Not so bad though as vicious cycles go.

Serial Spanker – Goodness, thank you! I’m very happy to be as involved and out as I am in the spanking world. It’s always reassuring to be able to interact with others such as yourself that have similar desires and cravings.

Alex – An honest lie, eh? That’s a creative way to dance around my honesty complex!

2Good – Why does it have to be that those that are least likely to understand are the same ones that are the nosiest and want to know where I’m going and why???

Winchester – Sorry to hear that you don’t have anyone close to you that you can share your secret with. I am glad that we are all able to unite online though so that none of us feel quite so alone.

Brad D – Yes, my instincts tell me it’s best to keep quiet and keep my fingers crossed that they aren’t too intuitive! I wonder what they think I might be up to …

Nice column.

Don’t think of it as having to tell a fib about what you sometimes do.. This is what I call it when I don’t exactly tell the truth about my love of spanking. It is an honest lie… In other words I am going to honestly lie about it to the vanillia’s in my life who like yours probably wouldn’t totally understand.

But also having that other not so shy side to your personality is makes you YOU. And the world is all the better for having you in it sharing your love with all of us.

Hugs
Alex

That doesn’t exactly work. Not because it bothers us in any way. Obviously it doesn’t. But, it would make others uncomfortable. They’re asking a comfortable and social question, and that’s the kind of answer they expect in return.

So, we fib and skip over all the spanking stuff (which is the focus)… and instead just say ‘enjoy the beach.’

It’s not honest though, and we can understand feeling a little guilty about that. Of course, you could get your bottom spanked to help you with that guilt… but that just gives you more to feel guilty about. lol, what to do, what to do!

Todd & Suzy