Another question that’s come up occasionally in emails is what I think about self-spankings and do I practice them. Although not recently, I have indeed tried to administer self-spankings.

The first time was when I was a young girl. My father’s old frat paddle hung in the basement of our house and I was curious what it might feel like across my bottom. While such a heavy paddle could probably knock a person into next week, in the hands of a child trying to reach around and smack her own butt it was unwieldy and ineffective. I gave up and returned to playing Legos.

Fast forward a decade or so and I tried once again to gather the might and coordination to smack myself. At the time I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone nearby that could administer a good spanking on a regular basis so phone or webcam spankings were used as a means of filling the void. At least with these types of spankings, the spanker would scold and instruct me what implement to use, how hard, and how many swats. Still, it wasn’t as fulfilling as a real spanking administered by another person and so I soon gave up again … though I didn’t return to playing with Legos that I recall.

I haven’t attempted self-spanking in a few years now. One because I’m very blessed to receive more than my fair share of conventional spankings delivered by others these days, and also because I never could seem to get the hang of them. Reaching back at that awkward angle, my arm and shoulder would tire out long before my bottom. And no matter how I tried or how deserving I might have felt of punishment, I could never put enough force into it. Some of this I’m sure is due to the limited range of motion, but more so because the part of my brain that feared the pain overrode the part that desired the spanking (odd considering my history of self-injury). Unlike when I put my bottom and spanking needs into the capable hands of a skilled and experienced spanker, I had too much control over the situation which paradoxically led to me not getting what I wanted.

Even if I was able to deliver solid swats to my own bottom, very important components would be missing for me. There is no power exchange or submission during a self-spanking and also little to no interaction. The emotional aspect of a spanking is at least equal in importance to me as the actual smacks and so with no one there to deliver the whole package, the spankings fall a bit short.  If I were to be in the situation once more of not having someone to spank me, I’m not sure that I would attempt self-spanking again.  I know for me it just doesn’t provide the complete experience I’m looking for and so I’d probably try to make do without rather than attempt to provide my own discipline.

Here is a picture that I took after a self-spanking session with a bathbrush years back. The spanking had been directed by a disciplinarian via phone and I took the photo so I could send it as evidence of my earnest effort.

Notice that I’m wearing a thong! I was so modest.

As I’ve mentioned here many times before, spring and summer are my favorite times of year as I love to be outdoors.  Hiking, biking, geocaching, and my new found interest, gardening, are just a few of the reasons to get out and enjoy the warm weather.  But this season has proven to be full of itches and ouches.  So far this year alone I’ve suffered three bouts of poison ivy and a case of chiggers (or as I call them, Carolina cooties since that’s where I picked them up).  But yesterday’s incident takes the cake. 

I made the mistake of sitting in the grass while applying waterproofing to the lattice beneath the back deck.  My home improvement project apparently pissed off a brown recluse spider and he took a chomp out of my leg.  The bite swelled so much that it looked like I had a lime stuck underneath my skin and the area had a menacing red and purple bullseye appearance.  It was as painful as it looked and so I was carted off to the ER last night by my boyfriend despite my protests.  I didn’t want to make a fuss only to be told it was a silly bug bite, but I started not feeling so well and it was painful to walk.  Better safe than sorry as who knows what it would have been like by morning.

I’m feeling much better today having started on an antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory.  However, I’m still incredibly skeeved by the thought of having this thing bite me:

A friend of mine has suggested that I need to either learn to love indoor activities or live in a giant hamster ball.  She has a point.  But do I listen?  Of course not.  Instead I’ve made plans to go white water rafting over the holiday weekend.  Afterall, what could go wrong? 

I’m running around packing and getting ready for tomorrow’s Punished Brats shoot, but I just wanted to make a quick post to announce that the Pixie’s Preview video clip from our last shoot is now available.  Take a look and see our bloopers, behind the scenes antics, lots of spanking, and find out just how many pairs of panties I can fit beneath my pajamas and still manage to walk.

In response to my post asking for topic suggestions, Alex kindly asked: “I would love to read more about your childhood fascination with spanking, also the feelings right before you were to be spanked. Were you basically a good kid or like me always in trouble?” 

Thanks so much for submitting your questions!  Let the rambling begin.

Even as a very young girl I was intrigued by the idea of spanking. I didn’t understand it (nor do I think that I fully do to this day), but it’s always been a subject that has made my tummy flip and my pulse quicken. Just hearing or reading a reference to spanking gave me such a thrill, but it was always laced with shame as I thought for sure that my interest was inherently wrong. After all, why would I be so attracted to a punishment that I did my very best to avoid? One that involved the embarrassing act of baring one’s bottom and experiencing pain?

I thought for sure I must be the only one in the world to have these strange feelings about spanking. I didn’t share my thoughts or feelings with anyone for fear of rejection and confirmation that there was something terribly wrong and perverse about my fascination.

There was only one other girl that I knew back in fourth grade that I wondered about and considered sharing my secret with. She liked to read a passage over and over from one of our weekly readers that described the protagonist receiving a spanking for running away from home. Even with what now seems like a pretty obvious sign, I was still too chicken to ask if she was a spanko like me. I occasionally find myself wondering about where she is now and if her heart still skips a beat when stumbling across an unexpected spanking reference.

Rather than share and seek out friends that might engage in spanking play or try to elicit accounts of others’ discipline, I’d become very uncomfortable and would consciously change the topic of conversation if the subject of spanking came up. I was so fearful that something would give away my terrible secret. I even worried that my thoughts about spanking and the images of elaborate spanking machines that I conjured as I lay in bed at night might magically float out of my head and be discovered by my disapproving parents (thank goodness that is only a matter of childish magical thinking … errr, right?).

I was spanked growing up so I knew firsthand how a real spanking felt. My punishments were typically quick, firm, straight to the bare bottom affairs. They hurt a lot and were quite scary. I didn’t feel cared for, nurtured, forgiven, or cleansed after receiving a spanking as a kid. I felt terribly alone, fearful, and withdrawn. The disappointment that I had failed to be good or hadn’t measured up in some way and deserved such punishment hurt more, started the moment I knew I was in trouble, and lasted far longer than the sting in my bottom ever did.

I could be bossy, bratty, and whiny as any child is at some point, but for the most part, I was very introverted, highly cautious about confrontation, and a huge people pleaser. I did my best to be good, stay quiet, and keep out of the way. There were far worse things than spankings to fear growing up so generally this was the safest way of operating in any case.

On a loosely related note regarding childhood, I received a couple of emails recently asking me to post pictures of myself as a child and one even asking if I had any pictures during or after a spanking as a young girl. The answer is no on both accounts. I don’t have any pictures involving spanking as a child and I certainly would never post them if I did. I’m not even comfortable posting pictures of myself as a kid in the most vanilla situations because this is an adult oriented blog and I tend to be protective of the child I once was. I’m happy to share my thoughts about my childhood fascination with spanking, but no pictures or detailed accounts of my punishments.

Yesterday I received a question via email that ties in well with a post I had already planned on making.  The question is as follows:

“… who chooses what is worn underneath, and what, if anything, influences the decision? If the models choose entirely for themselves, are their choices influenced more by the fact that it’s going to be seen, and they don’t want it to be too much like intimate apparel, or is it in their minds simply another form of “outerwear”?”

The models select their own panties to wear (as they generally do for all other wardrobe needs with the exception of costumes or uniforms).  We ask the girls to please bring bikini style, boyshorts, or other fuller coverage panties as opposed to thongs or g-strings as this seems to be the strong preference of our members.  It also works best for many of our scenes particularly if a spanking is to be given over the panties.  (See a previous discussion on panty preference on my blog here “Panty Preference” as well as one on “Panty Color Preference“. 

Sometimes a girl will come to the shoot without the requested style of panties or even none at all for any number of reasons (forgot them, don’t own any, didn’t read the email regarding wardrobe request, etc.) and so I do keep a few pairs of brand new backup panties on hand just in case. 

Most girls put a lot of thought into their panty selection knowing that they are going to be seen, photographed, and video taped.  :)  I don’t believe that they are too concerned about the fact they look like intimate apparel because in fact they are, and often have fun in showing very cute or sexy pieces that otherwise wouldn’t often be seen by too many people. 

Much time and attention is often paid in selecting the perfect pair to go with the scene and color coordinate with the outfit.  On many shoots, we models will gather in the dressing area and sort through our overstuffed bags of panties showing off our latest finds and ask for help in picking which pretty pair should be worn in the upcoming scene.

But now it’s time for me to throw out another question to you on the topic of panties and spanking.  How much do panties matter when the spanking is delivered on the bare from the start?  If the panties only make an appearance for a few seconds as they are yanked down, does it really matter what color or how pretty they are?  Does it perhaps even matter if they are a thong if they are going to be bunched up at the knee along with jeans or shorts?

Speaking of tears (and lots of them) my most recent discipline session with Dallas, the Dallas Special Plus Plus is now available as an individual video download as well as in the members’ section of Dallas Spanks Hard.  Please have a look and I hope you’ll enjoy this very real punishment.

Thank you to hairbrushman for suggesting this topic. A year ago, almost to the date, I wrote a post called Spanked To Tears where I shared what it takes to get me to cry from a spanking. But I don’t believe that I addressed the particular point of hairbrushman’s question which asked how do I feel about it as well as how do I feel about crying on camera in particular.

Tears are most often welcome as I’ll feel a huge reduction in stress and tension when they’re shed. Even though the spanking may continue for a while after I begin to cry which can be stressful in itself, there is an endorphin based release that tears bring that soothes and helps cope.

I can’t make myself cry and sometimes, no matter how much I hope for a flood of tears, it doesn’t happen. It’s not necessarily indicative of a lack of remorse for what I’ve done or the need for increased severity. It can be terribly frustrating and disappointing, but the tears have to form on their own – I can’t force them.

Sometimes I think it would be great if I could force the tears to flow, not only for the endorphin rush, but also for dramatic purposes in a spanking scene. Then again, if real tears were so easy to produce, perhaps they wouldn’t be so highly coveted and magical.

That being said, while I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to cry on camera, sometimes I will get a little self-conscious. As I’ve said in previous posts, tears are beautiful but snot is not. Unfortunately, a runny nose is a natural part of crying, especially when you’re positioned bottom up and head down, but it’s not something I’m keen on having captured on camera. Calling a cut in the middle of a great scene to ask to ask for a Kleenex would be a shame and so I’m left to desperately try to sniffle as effectively yet quietly as possible. Not an easy task, but I wonder if I could practice this technique by doing yoga while watching sad movies.

I had a very nice visit with my family but did experience a bit of internet deprivation. My parents do not have a wireless router, my cell phone struggled to get even one bar, and the neighbor whose wifi signal I had previously relied on had the audacity to move and take their open connection with them! I managed to get enough privacy late at night to hop on the DSL line in the office to do keep up with the bare minimum of updates and member emails, but I think I may just buy my dad a router for his birthday. It will be a gift for both of us!

I have a bit of catching up to do now, but being away from the online world and even all things spanking can be a good thing once in a while. Changing up the routine helps to refresh and reinvigorate. I’ve found that even things that I enjoy a lot, spanking to hot fudge sundaes, seem a lot sweeter and more special after a bit of deprivation.

Although I didn’t have much access to my blog, sites, or emails, that certainly didn’t stop my mind from churning. I jotted down some ideas for future blog topics for when I have more free time to write, but I’d also like to open up the floor to my readers a bit as well. What might you like to see here? Are there any questions about Punished Brats or other topics you’d like to see addressed on my blog? I know a few of you have written with topic suggestions in the past and there are several questions I often receive in emails that I thought I could publicly post answers to as well. Please feel free to leave suggestions in the comments section or send them in email (please note if your questions are for the blog).  Quick questions I’ll address together in one post, broader topics may be saved for a post of their own in the future.

I’m headed out of town to visit my family for a few days.  Computer time will be more limited and privacy can be tricky, but as always I’ll post and email as I can and Punished Brats updates will go up as scheduled.  See you when I get back … and probably sooner if I can nab a wi-fi connection from the guest room!

Last night’s severe thunderstorms broke the heatwave and finally brought some relief from the near 100 degree temperatures and high humidity.  It was a very, very welcome change as we don’t have air conditioning.  While I’m a self-proclaimed frost chicken, the heat was a bit much even for me! 

This morning was gorgeous - sunny, cool, and dry.  I threw on a pretty sundress and ran out barefoot, just as I always loved to do when I was a kid.  I got a bit daring and took a picture of my panty covered bottom while lying on the bench that sits on my front porch.  Hope none of the neighbors happened to look out the window at that very second.

And I played in the maple tree in the backyard.  Even as a little girl, I always loved to wear dresses (detested jeans) but thought nothing of stomping around in the woods or hanging upside down on the monkey bars and the skirt flying up.  I remember a boy in kindergarten taunting me with “I see London, I see France, I see ‘Pixie’s’ underpants”.  My response was, “yeah, so?”  Some things never change, eh?

While playing outdoors, I discovered that the buttercup type flowers my neighbor gave me have bloomed.  Still not sure what they’re really called, but they are pretty!

My newest rose bush is in bloom again and I couldn’t resist posting a picture of it too.  I’m knocked out by the color! 

Sorry for all the garden chatter, but I’m loving spring.  And for those of you looking for a spanking fix, I ought to have a photo or two to share with you soon.  My boyfriend has been very busy lately in his workshop working on a little project meant to color my bottom as bright as my roses.  Eeep!